After appearing less family-oriented during the first debate for governor of Wisconsin, Mary Burke appears to have outsourced a family in order to compete with Scott Walker on family values. While the Burke campaign claims her family is legitimate and had been kept under wraps to protect its privacy, Walker’s…Read More
The US State Department, in response to accusations that Americans are uninformed about world politics, has released a new plan to help the most powerful nation’s people to better understand the rest of the world. The method used will not include memorization or difficult tests. Rather, the United States will…Read More
Parents today are faced with a choice—allow your kids to figure things out for themselves, or control their every move. If parents allow kids to be on their own, this freedom will result in pregnancy, drug addiction, and jail time. While some parents are comfortable with allowing their children to…Read More
DNA from Tomb in Jerusalem Raided to Clone Messiah What if God was one of us, and not just an annoying refrain from a Joan Osborne song? What if we could harness the DNA of God, and maybe make our own a little better for the effort? What if we…Read More
“Wild” Bill Nielson, president of the Eau Claire Common Council, has issued a decree to all residents of the city. The short but poignant message reads “Love Thy Neighbor,” and it has been accepted with jubilation by the masses.
Doc just doesn’t understand! JT’s my son, for heaven’s sake! Why shouldn’t I tell my best friend? So what if he’s going to marry Hope this week. That’s my son, not that evil Stefano’s. My little spermies swam up Princess Gina’s fallopian tube, and Goddamnit I deserve to be recognized!…Read More
This article first appeared in 2001
The American Regional Meat Packing Industry Traders (ARMPIT), under pressure from PETA, has decided to completely change its practices of killing animals. The move comes as a surprise, though leaders in the industry are taking it in stride.
Nicole Dewly, a freshman from Des Moines, has apparently misunderstood the term “Freshman 15,” but the guys in Towers don’t seem to mind. Nicole, or Nikki, as her friends call her, has worked hard to achieve the number.
To be honest, that meteorologist on Channel 13 is kind of fat. She does know all about sleet, snow, hail, rain, and that kind of stuff. All things being equal, however, I’d rather see a real sexy lady offering up the kind of data that makes me hot, or cold,…Read More
The thematic meaning behind the Stop Putin signs matching Ghostbusters signs might be lost on most Americans, but Real Wisconsin News has investigated the similarities in order to analyze the reasoning for the similarities.
At first, the idea of the Food Stamp Challenge was for Americans to see what it’s like to live in poverty and spend a mere one dollar per meal, but organizers of the effort are now touting their challenge as a way for Americans spend less on food and pay…Read More
The newest and most controversial Facebook application to be launched allows users to live forever, at least online. And it’s not just in the form of some static profile. The Eternal Life application learns and then lives, and then keeps on living—forever.
Aldous Hiter, a long time Washington County resident, will run for a position as a county supervisor in the upcoming election. His hopes are that, despite his name bearing a resemblance to Aldoph Hitler, he will be elected nonetheless, since he plans on running as a Republican. Hiter said, "I…Read More
Quick, name five lemurs who have played professional sports! Stumped? Well you are not alone. Lemurs have a long history in professional sports (Pete Sampras, for example), but many see them as inferior to their more human counterparts. This is why lemurs across the globe are celebrating Ryan Braun as…Read More
The Milwaukee Gun Buyback Program has done little to stop violent crimes in the city, so some in the community are suggesting alternatives that may result in a safer city without having to pay people to go and steal guns. The program has paid up to $150 for handguns and…Read More
America is buzzing about the new diet sensation long thought to be only an eating disorder: Pica. The diet allows people to eat anything they want, as long as the food is made up of non-nutritive substances. As an added bonus, the food is inexpensive and commonly found around the…Read More
The Green Bay Packers have requested an investigation by the NFL into the abuse the team has received at the hands of other teams so far this season. Mike McCarthy officially requested action from the league following his team's second loss of the season to the Detroit Lions. Though the…Read More
Mary Burke, the Democratic candidate for governor of Wisconsin, has had to deal with accusations of plagiarism that are marking her campaign with red ink. However, she has recently gone back on the offensive, implying that Scott Walker could not have graduated college even if he had copied the work…Read More