Real Wisconsin News

President Kermit T. Frog May Issue Full Pardon To Scooter

Some in Washington are Claiming Colorful, Corrupt Connection.

The Whitehouse has claimed that what Scooter did wasn’t so bad, and that it is right for President Kermit T. Frog to use his Rainbow Connection to Scooter to get the poor guy off the hook. But some observers are claiming that this so-called Rainbow Connection is nothing better than an old-boys club of the powerful political elite, totally clueless as to what normal Americans want.

For example, a recent poll showed that very few Americans favor the war in Iraq, and a very high percentage would also not favor a war with Iran. However, Vice-President Animal, who apparently yelled and screamed a lot when cabinet members argued against the war in Iraq, feels that the war is going just fine, and that all the soldiers need is a little more to do in order to bring morale back up, so Iran is next. Former Secretary of State Rowlf, who did not always agree with the VP, or with former Secretary of Defense Sam the Eagle, has said that invading Iran with the military in its current state and for no particular reason would be just plain silly. “I mean, trench warfare should always be a last-ditch effort,” said the always punny Rowlf.

Vice-President Animal, when asked if he had the support of the entire administration for a war in Iran, jumped on a reporter’s head and began yelling his own name repeatedly, and then said something to the effect that he did not need anyone’s permission to launch another war. Reporters asked Attorney General Gonzo if this was true, that the Vice-President could now declare war without Congress or the President to answer to. Gonzo had this to say of Congress: “They report up to the Attorney General, who - we all report up to the President of the United States. All of us work in the executive branch.” Supreme Court Justices Statler and Waldorf (sometimes known as Scalia and Thomas) concurred with Gonzo’s assessment. “Yep, pretty much one branch on this-here tree,” said Waldorf.

Current Secretary of Defense Beaker, who nobody knows or cares about, feels as if he will be the victim when all goes wrong with any new experiments in the war(s). Of course, Dr. Bunson Honeydew (aka Carl Rove), who runs the government from his secret lab, agrees with the assessment, but he did point out that very few scapegoats have been necessary, and the method of name-calling and accusing the other side of not supporting the troops may get the new Secretary of Defense through the whole situation.

Of course, that encouragement is barring any other Rizzo (Jack Abramoff)-like ratting out of administration officials. Senate funny-man Fozzie Bear (known as Tom DeLay to voters) was publicly skewered, and may never make more than $2 million per year as a lobbyist because of the scandal that fell upon him. The good doctor has also warned all operatives of staying away from pornography and young boys, as that whole scene can only be covered up for so long, though full pardons are likely for anyone caught doing anything in the name of Kermit T. Frog, Animal, Dr. Bunson Honeydew, or any of the leaders who fight to keep America safe from something very unsafe.

When asked if she plans on making any deals whatsoever with any countries ever, Miss Piggy Rice said, “Hmmmf!” and stormed off, leading some reporters to think that maybe there is no plan for diplomacy, or responsibility for poor choices, or anything that resembles government for the people by the people in Washington. But that can’t be true, and anyone who thinks it is is un-American and should be spied on and possibly thrown in prison as a war criminal. Or at least expect to get basted in the Swedish Chef’s No Spin Zone.

Last Updated on Monday, 10 September 2012 23:34

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