Real Wisconsin News

Newt Gingrich Rewrites History/Religion in Debate

Newt Gingrich, in response to a question about gay marriage during the January 7th Republican Debate, said, "The sacrament of marriage is based on a man and woman; has been for 3000 years." He effectively rewrote history with that statement. However, it is unclear what Gringrich's version of history and religion might be, so Real Wisconsin News has taken the liberty to attempt to decipher his view of the world:


According to a google-friendly Jewish website, "Marriage is not a sacrament in Judaism and does not in theory require the presence of a rabbi or other religious official." While male-female marriage is what is required in the Old Testament, it's not a sacrament. According to pre-Newt history, Christians and their sacraments have existed for about 2000 years. Stay with me here. The Christian sacrament could not have existed 3000 years ago, unless Christians existed 3000 years ago, or around the time of Saul, David, and Soloman. After scouring the Bible, Real Wisconsin News has declared that there is no textual evidence of Christians at the time.

Another possibility is that Gingrich implied that since God instituted marriage, and since that institution became a sacrament, then God created the earth 3000 years ago. Again, this would be about a thousand years after Joseph was in Egypt and a good 2000 years after writing in Egypt and Mesopotamia already existed. Confused? Gingrich isn't. He knows that marriage is a sacrament between a man and a woman for life, which means he's married to three women right now, but that's OK in the Old Testament, anyhow.

The last possibility is that gay marriage was allowed before 3000 years ago, and that God instituted it at around the time of Solomon, who quickly took 700 wives and 300 concubines. Solomon might have had so many wives because most of the men we're still marrying each other. Gingrich may be implying that God had a don't ask, don't tell policy about gay marriage back in the day, and didn't really make it a sacrament until about a thousand years before Christ and a thousand years after Sodom and Gomorrah.

To recap, Christians may have existed 1000 years before Christ and/or the world may have been created a couple of thousand years after the pyramids were built and/or gay marriage used to be allowed 3500 years ago, at about the same time dinosaurs roamed the earth. And Newt Gingrich would make a great president.

Last Updated on Monday, 10 September 2012 23:34

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