Real Wisconsin News

Aspirin Between Knees Works as Contraceptive, But How?


Rick Santorum supporter, Wisconsin native, and near-billionaire Foster Friess made a statement that seemed to need a little explaining when he implied that the use of aspirin between a woman's knees could prevent pregnancies. Was he making a joke? Was this a viable option in the past? Does aspirin act as a spermicide? Does he know how to make babies? Real Wisconsin News decided to find out the answers to some of these questions.



Friess was likely using the aspirin between the knees as a metaphor for keeping a girl's legs closed, and that's a joke we can all appreciate, as long as you're hearing it in the boardroom with your millionaire buddies, or if your grandma's telling you to do it so that she doesn't have to say words like “sex” or “vagina” or “creampie.” The theory behind the saying would be that a woman would have to keep her legs tightly closed at the knees, thus rendering missionary and most girl-on-top sex impossible. However, an aspirin between a girl's knees in doggy-style would likely just make the angle a bit difficult. A man could also pin her knees up around her chest and get her from the front. Spoon-sex is pretty easy, as well. While the general sensation may seem a little tighter for the male, the aspirin positioned between the knees would do little to avoid penetration altogether. And even a man with whiskey-dick might ejaculate if right amount of friction stimulates his penis.


While latex condoms and birth-control pills have only been around for the past century, other similar methods have existed, including the use of internal animal organs and their external skin, vaginal inserts made of various chemicals from plants or even honey, and early-onset tooth decay. Research indicates that pretty much everything was at some point crammed up there to see if pregnancies could be avoided, which would have been an exciting time for science, and likely a relatively itchy and painful existence for those in the oldest profession. The church added holidays to decrease the number of days couples could have sex, and some people are still taught to feel guilty about getting laid. Research also indicates that aspirin itself has not been proven to be an effective spermicide, and a wife with a headache may even increase her likelihood of having sex if she takes a pill orally. Besides, “between the knees” is not an appropriate location for any contraceptive and would have little effect to kill sperm from that location, according to most scientists.


Luckily for him, Foster Friess seemingly does know how to have sex, since he has children, so the argument that he erroneously believed that conception happens somewhere near the female knees is false. He lovingly pumped his own wife full of his essence several times, so he is an authority on vaginal cum-shots and how NOT to prevent pregnancies. His wealth also makes him an authority on what's best for society and women's health.


Some people might suggest that Friess's comments are sexist, since it's not completely the woman's responsibility to avoid pregnancy. However, our research does indicate that the vast majority of unplanned pregnancies occur in women, and often without sustained foreplay or the woman ever reaching orgasm. Instead of sex, Friess recommends couples go horseback riding on their vast properties. Men could also sit around the campfire together and discuss religion out on the range while their gals use suction-cup dildos attached to bedposts on themselves from behind. The real message is that while Friess might have made a comment that was inappropriate and outdated, he is simply another target of the mainstream media looking to vilify a man who'd rather ride a horse than a whore, and we are above that kind of behavior here at RWN.

Last Updated on Monday, 10 September 2012 23:34

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