American corporation Halliburton received an unprecedented two nominations for Nobel Prizes this year. Halliburton received nominations for the Nobel Prize in Economics, as well as, the Nobel Peace Prize. Said the nominator who requested to remain anonymous, and just be known as Richard, "Is there any doubt that this company has done more to secure world peace than any other? And, they did it with a perfect business model that should be a lesson to all future corporate executives. That's why our board, excuse me, group, nominated Halliburton for two Nobel Prizes." In simulaneously making his case for the Nobel Peace Prize and the Nobel Prize in Economics for Halliburton, Richard described Halliburton's accomplishments and influence as such: "Given the volatile situation in the Middle East, Halliburton has still been able to transcend national and international interests by helping Iran build and maintain its petroleum infrastructure at a time when that country needs revenue the most. Iran has many needs, such as: funding foriegn peace fighters, maintaining a secret police force charged with cutting off the tongues of anyone who defies the ruling Mullahs, and building out its peaceful nuclear program. In fact, although it's not public yet, for the sake of winning the prizes, I will announce right here that Halliburton has even helped with some of the nuclear program in Iran. So you see, through Iran, Halliburton has reached out to the noblist of causes, such as bringing peace in the middle east and rest of the world, by directly helping fund those who would bring the peace and making a couple bucks on the back end. It really is all quite clever."
Richard went on to dscribe other Halliburton accomplishements: "In Iraq, we have been able to help the United States mission to free the Iraqi people from the onslaught of foriegn mercenaries by supplying the U.S. military with most of its needs via our revolutionary LOGCAP contract. This contract for supplying the U.S. Military has allowed Halliburton to successfully maintain an effective profit margin fixed to the cost of what Halliburton supplies. That is, if Halliburton spends $100 million on the wholesale cost of supplying the U.S. troops and various contractors, then U.S. taxpayers only repay Halliburton the $100 million and a fixed percentage fee on top. If Halliburton spends $200 million on the wholesale cost of supplies, then the U.S. taxpayers simply increase the fee as a fixed percentage of what Halliburton spent on supplies, which in this example would double Halliburton's profit. Now of course, Halliburton is dealing with billions of dollars not hundreds of millions, but the example is an easy one to understand and it holds with bigger numbers. That they have even been able to ignore any potential conflicts of interest in purchasing supplies so far, makes it an even more efficient and profitable for Halliburton. The business model really is excellent and even more impressive when we look at Halliburton's financials since 2001."
"And going back further and around the globe," continued Richard, "...Halliburton has been able to work with countries like Libya as far back as the 1980s, Azerbaijan, Indonesia and Burma in the 1990s, and Nigeria today, despite unfounded human rights concerns, national defense issues and various embargos and sanctions limiting or forbidding U.S. corporations from working with those nations. Using Halliburton's internationally headquarted Brown and Root subsidiary, the company has been able to legally accomplish many goals, such as sending military grade piping and other peaceful technology to Libya well before the PanAm flight bombing, depoplulating areas needing pipelines and protecting company and ruling party property in several countries."
Former Halliburton CEO John Gibson summed it up as such, "We don't like being kept out of markets because it gives our competitors an unfair advantage." Said Richard, "Think what Halliburton can do now that it's moving its headquarters from Houston to Dubai!"
"Last but not least, well and not really last," Richard went on, "Halliburton has even been involved with helping America, such as with the Asbestos problem, funding private pension plans of key capitalist cogs, reallocating taxpayer money for greater efficiency and influencing the gasoline supply. There really is very little doubt that the Nobel Prizes are much deserved and would serve as a reminder to any Federal prosecutors just who they are dealing with."
Out of concern for journalistic fairness, Real Wisconsin News has been able to uncover some opposition to the nomination of Halliburton for the Nobel Prizes, including ersthile watchdog group Halliburton Watch, the Defense Contract Audit Agency, various U.S. Senators, Iraqis and a bevy of Hollywood types including one of Beav's favorites- that cute goth chick from "Six Feet Under."