• Typical White American Male Response to Melania Trump

    Melania Trump tends to take a backseat to Donald Trump, and it's for good reason. While she is seen as a gorgeous "businesswoman" by most Trump supporters, even then most die-hard Trump Train riders can't help but think she's "kind of retarded" when she speaks. In fact, when Mrs. Trump Read More
  • Hiter to Run for Office in Washington County

    Hiter to Run for Office in Washington County

    Aldous Hiter, a long time Washington County resident, will run for a position as a county supervisor in the upcoming election. His hopes are that, despite his name bearing a resemblance to Aldoph Hitler, he will be elected nonetheless, since he plans on running as a Republican. Hiter said, "I Read More
  • Government Officials Across US to Follow Samsung Lead, Offer Pizza

    National, state, and local governments are paying close attention to Samsung's handling of its Note 7 debacle, taking notes on how to handle dissatisfied customers and employees. The consumer electronics giant that developed exploding phones has sent pizza to all of the stores in South Korea that have to take Read More
  • Milwaukee Gun Buyback Program Scrapped; Bullet-proof Vests to be Offered Instead

    Milwaukee Gun Buyback Program Scrapped; Bullet-proof Vests to be Offered Instead

    The Milwaukee Gun Buyback Program has done little to stop violent crimes in the city, so some in the community are suggesting alternatives that may result in a safer city without having to pay people to go and steal guns. The program has paid up to $150 for handguns and Read More
  • Canadian Scientists to Clone Jesus

    Canadian Scientists to Clone Jesus

    DNA from Tomb in Jerusalem Raided to Clone Messiah What if God was one of us, and not just an annoying refrain from a Joan Osborne song? What if we could harness the DNA of God, and maybe make our own a little better for the effort? What if we Read More
  • Jesus Sues Jagermeister for Logo Infringement

    Mere days after the company that owns Jagermeister liqueur accused the Milwaukee Bucks of using a deer logo too similar in design to its own deer head, Jesus of Nazareth has joined the dispute by claiming Jagermeister 's logo is not without fault. According to Jesus, "I said unto the Read More
  • Menomonee Falls High School to Change Mascot from Indians to Indians

    High schools in Wisconsin have been able to retain their Native American mascots under the rule of Scott Walker, but Menomonee Falls has decided to go ahead and change the high school mascot without any nudging from the state. While it might first appear that the school is keeping the Read More
  • Proof of Out of State Protesters in Madison

    Proof of Out of State Protesters in Madison

    Whether it's 2011 or 2015, unions appear to bring protesters from outside of Wisconsin to Madison to attempt to intimidate Scott Walker. Governor Scott Walker has said that out of state protesters now outnumber those from Wisconsin who are protesting the bill that would kill their unions. Real Wisconsin News Read More
  • President-Elect Donald Trump Says Most Female Leaders Would Not be His First Choice

    President-Elect Donald Trump Says Most Female Leaders Would Not be His First Choice

    Donald Trump won America over by telling it like it is, and the fact is that most female heads of state are not beautiful women. Trump has been reluctant to give specifics, but based on past criticism of women, it would make sense that only two female leaders would make Read More
  • Christian Blogger is Sexy - That's Why we Care

    Christian Blogger is Sexy - That's Why we Care

    I didn’t read the babe’s blog, but I guess she’s probably decent looking, or else no one would have cared that she was going to stop wearing yoga pants or spandex or whatever. Am I right? If some 300 pounder or some crack addict wanted to find Christ and stop Read More
  • Real Wisconsin News Offers Our Thoughts and Prayers

    Real Wisconsin News has made it official policy to extend our thoughts and prayers to you at this difficult time. We know you are suffering, and we realize that a real discussion might help you to cope with how you feel, but we would rather offer thoughts and prayers. The Read More
  • Wisconsin's Own Ke-Ke Watson Wins Race Card Player of The Decade

    All Other Nominees to Call Their Lawyers Kewaunda “Ke-Ke” Watson of Germantown has Won the Society of Unified Entities’ Race Card Playa of the Decade Award for her “consistent and successful use of the race card in reaching her own personal goals.” Every ten years, thousands of African Americans, mostly Read More
  • Say Hello To Our Little Friend

    Real Wisconsin News is real good, but if you're looking for real news that's not in Wisconsin, not fake, and not actually news, then New Jax Witty is our little friend in Jacksonville, Florida. The news is in the form of researched opinion. And it has nothing to do with Read More
  • Young Conservative Parents Pay Homage to Trump and Company With Naming Rights

    Conservative Parents have traditionally used traditional names for their children, even as some of them make valiant efforts to be as unique as artsy, liberal parents. While there have been spikes in names like George, Barbara, and Nancy within the past few decades, imaginative conservatives have chosen Reagan as a Read More
  • H-V-A-C Not H-VAC

    I had a customer the other day say H-Vac instead of H-V-A-C. What a moron! Those of us in the industry know that it's right to say each individual letter in the word, and it makes a difference. If I was an H-Vac guy, I'd be selling vacuum cleaners, but Read More
  • Scott Walker’s New College Plan to Halt Wisconsin's Brain Drain

    Scott Walker’s New College Plan to Halt Wisconsin's Brain Drain

    New College Plan To Reflect Walker's Own College Career The new three-year Walker Degree to be offered at state colleges and universities is part of Scott Walker’s plan to bolster Wisconsin’s already elite standing as a top college state. The plan, expected to provide employers with a considerable increase in Read More
  • Romper Article Fully Explains Hillary's Loss

    Saturday Night Live's Colin Jost joked that Tinder's move to make 37 gender identity options available was why Hillary lost the election. A Romper article made the argument, in majestically ivory towerish tones, that it's unfair to blame the results of the election on "a hurting, marginalized community with a Read More
  • A Real Wisconsin Parents Guide to Controlling Your Kids

    A Real Wisconsin Parents Guide to Controlling Your Kids

    Parents today are faced with a choice—allow your kids to figure things out for themselves, or control their every move. If parents allow kids to be on their own, this freedom will result in pregnancy, drug addiction, and jail time. While some parents are comfortable with allowing their children to Read More
  • Donald Trump: What We Say Versus What We Mean

    What we say and what we mean about Donald Trump. These words apply to both liberal and conservative, friend and foe. Probably even offspring and wives. What we say: He’s a successful businessman What we mean: He runs companies into the ground yet stays rich. He fails time and again Read More
  • Did Foxconn Outfox and Outcon Wisconsin’s Scott Walker?

    Wisconsin governor Scott Walker has been excited about the Foxconn deal for Wisconsin, though he did avoid talking about it after the signing. Wisconsin residents are asking whether it's a good deal for the state to add Foxconn to its payroll. In fact, the state will be paying new employees Read More
  • News Never Covered by Failing, Fake News Media Outlets

    The following is a list of news items not covered by media outlets and brought to our attention by the White House. Bowling Green, May 2011 What happened: In the first major terrorist cover up by the media as directed by terrorist supporter in chief Barack Hussein Obamadan, two Iraqi Read More
  • New Pica Diet Sweeping the Nation

    New Pica Diet Sweeping the Nation

    America is buzzing about the new diet sensation long thought to be only an eating disorder: Pica. The diet allows people to eat anything they want, as long as the food is made up of non-nutritive substances. As an added bonus, the food is inexpensive and commonly found around the Read More
  • Pussy Grabbing Sweeping Nation’s High Schools

    After Bill Clinton did not have sexual relations with Monica Lewinsky by getting blow jobs, male students across the country began using The Slick Willie argument with their female classmates, and fellatio became a part of the normal high school rite of passage in the late 90s (to the dismay Read More
  • Lemurs Claim Ryan Braun as One of Their Own

    Lemurs Claim Ryan Braun as One of Their Own

    Quick, name five lemurs who have played professional sports! Stumped? Well you are not alone. Lemurs have a long history in professional sports (Pete Sampras, for example), but many see them as inferior to their more human counterparts. This is why lemurs across the globe are celebrating Ryan Braun as Read More
  • I Like the Way Alex Molinaroli Says F-You To The World

    I Like the Way Alex Molinaroli Says F-You To The World

    As an independently wealthy business consultant, I can tell you how good it feels to tell others to go f-themselves. Like if someone doesn’t detail my BMW properly when it gets washed. However, there are some situations when I want to go tell a client to f-off, but I just Read More
  • Top Response to Corey Feldman's Song Performance: I Thought He Was Dead

    Nearly defining irony, the top-rated response to Americans viewing the Corey Feldman song performance in September of 2016 was, "I thought he was dead." Obviously, the second response, and the one that has become the focus of social media, was, "That was weird." While it is possible Corey Feldman died Read More
  • Milwaukee County to House, Reform Juvenile Criminals Downtown

    Milwaukee County currently pays nearly $300 per day for juvenile delinquents housed at the Copper Lake Girls School and the Lincoln Hills School for Boys. The locations present problems for family visits and have been under scrutiny for alleged indiscretions. County Executive Chris Abele has made the decision to move Read More
  • Hillary Clinton Touched Me Inappropriately

    While at a hotel in Philadelphia several weeks ago, I was surprised by Hillary Clinton. She was not the robot I’d come to expect.. As I rode the elevator next to her, I couldn’t help but glance her way. Though she seemed weak from her apparent pneumonia and her face Read More
  • More Secure Schools Coming Our Way

    More Secure Schools Coming Our Way

    Plans for new schools will be adopted all over the nation in response to President Trump’s suggestion that they be more secure. The new schools will ensure that students are able to learn without fear of being targeted by fellow students with assault rifles. These schools will be able to Read More
  • Economist Explains School Business Model

    A leading economist has released a synopsis of how public schools need to follow a business model in a new book. Chapter One discusses teachers as managers and students as labor, with Parents functioning as the board of directors, and taxpayers acting as customers, while State/Fed government are upper management. Read More
  • Betsy DeVos Answers 10 Questions from Education Week

    Education Week offered ten questions that it assumed Betsy DeVos, incoming education secretary, would not answer. However, Real Wisconsin News has obtained the following answers from the Trump appointee (in bold). You've been a strong advocate for charters. Nationally, only about 6% of students attend these schools. Leaving aside the Read More
  • Food Stamp Challenge to Stamp Out Debt

    Food Stamp Challenge to Stamp Out Debt

    At first, the idea of the Food Stamp Challenge was for Americans to see what it’s like to live in poverty and spend a mere one dollar per meal, but organizers of the effort are now touting their challenge as a way for Americans spend less on food and pay Read More
  • West Allis

    West Allis to Give Up

    The city of West Allis, after years of trying really hard, has decided to give up. The city has been ridiculed by others for some time, and though giving up never seemed to be an option before, it recently read an article about why people give up that made all Read More
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Jacksonville News

New Jax Witty

Articles, reviews, advice, and legitimate research to go along with some back-handed comments. Think of us as Jacksonville's mother-in-law.
  • Using Walgreens For Covid Vaccine Semi-Fail
    I was recently deemed eligible For a Covid-19 vaccine. Gateway Mall was a good site when my wife went, but I decided I'd save some time driving and choose a local Walgreens. Kind of a mistake, though I am vaccinated.
  • JAXEX Craig: Loud Sunday in East Arlington Probably New Norm
    I know some folks from Holly Oaks contacted me about the noise from JAXEX Craig Airport a while back they had video of planes continuously circling, reminiscent of something I'd see months later over my own neighborhood. Maybe complaints from Holly Oaks moved some of the routes. Maybe airport traffic means everyone in East Arlington must suffer. 
  • Jax Local Ad of the Week: Those Krazy Kids
    First off, support local businesses, whether they use kids, animals, or inanimate objects in advertising. 

    Let's take a look at some of the local ads that use kids, who obviously say the darndest things. We'll look at five local Jacksonville ads that use kids as part of their pitches in order to see if it's effective as it is cute. 

    The first ad uses a slightly older kid than the rest, and we'll assume it's a daughter (heir) to the Air to Air company. She suggests, "Let's give away a $350 WIFI Thermostat with every Carrier 15 Seer Replacement Heat Pump." Even if this kid was raised in a household of HVAC folk, it's very unlikely she'd make this statement. Most kids would be like, "Buy a new Carrier system from my dad so he can get me a PS5." Maybe, if it's a really altruistic kid, she'd say, "Buy a new Carrier so that our company can donate food to homeless people or something." The latest ad for Air to Air features a teenage girl (not sure if it's the same girl), and she also suggests the same giveaway. Whereas I can almost buy that a little kid wants to give stuff away to customers, I'd think a teenager would be like, "Just buy a Carrier from my dad already so I can get a Jeep Wrangler for my Sweet Sixteen. Or don't. Whatever."


    The next ad for Southern Home Additions features Erich, who says, "Don't wait til I take over...CALL NOW!" He's dressed in a tuxedo and seemingly dancing, perhaps at a family wedding. While he looks like he might be saying, "A cha cha, I love Kool Aid!" it's entirely possible that he was just told at the wedding that he would one day take over the family construction business, perhaps because his aunt just married some guy from a rival construction company. Still, I can't imagine he'd have the foresight to suggest people should invest in home additions now rather than in twenty years when he's the boss. He'd probably really say something like, "I love trucks and mac n cheese and puppies!" when asked what he wants to tell potential customers. And, honestly, who doesn't love those things?



    The next ad from Elite AC features another cute kid who is looking shyly away from the camera and saying, "Kids like Clean Air, Trust us!" This is an interesting statement, coming from a kid. First off, kids are very self-centered, and it's unlikely this child would say that all kids like clean air if he's really talking about himself. Also, most kids don't use the royal we in a sentence or consider themselves to be part of the company. So a kid, when prodded to do so, MIGHT say, "I like clean air; trust me!" You notice how I also don't capitalize random words and use a semi-colon properly? If this wasn't a speech bubble that's quite obviously coming from a kid, I'd say it was the disembodied voice of the owner of Elite AC saying it, with "us" representing the employees of the company. If you really want to go out there, you could say that the eyes rolled to the side are more creepy and the possessed child is speaking as Legion, but most people wouldn't trust a child who's in need of an exorcism. 



    Precision Carpet features a little boy and a pit bull, two of the most destructive entities known to suburbia. The boy has a smudge of dirt on his face and maybe in his hair while wearing overalls (reminiscent of Dennis the Menace). He's not really saying anything or even doing anything, but I suppose he will make a mess, given the chance. However, the irony in this photo is that neither the boy nor the dog are on carpet. The vans are. I have not yet seen a carpeted garage or driveway in Jacksonville, but I guess Precision Carpet will clean em if you got em. 

    Side note: I did see a carpeted driveway while walking through Winnipeg (of all places), and I have seen some ratty carpet in enclosed patios here in Jacksonville, though I'm not really sure carpet cleaners can handle engine oil or grease from a grill. 

    Credible AC uses a baby with his/her family to sell UV light filtering and duct cleaning. While neither will actually protect anyone from Covid, my wife definitely made me get the ducts cleaned in our house when our first baby was born, so I get it: the billion-year-old dust just sitting in your ducts is better off aging in a vacuum or a landfill in Georgia. Guys, just humor your wives and get the ducts cleaned the one time you have a firstborn. 

    There is one other detail that might need some explaining: the extremely appealing model-parents both sport thick and dark hair, while the cute baby seems to be totally blonde or completely bald. I'm sure the kid will look like dad eventually, but that's one father who might be doing the math of his deployment and when his wife scheduled the construction work, carpet cleaning, and AC installation.  I'm kidding. The real question is why the dad's dressed like a lumberjack when the family lives in Florida and has a working HVAC system. 





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  • Jax Local Ad of the Week: Pro Glass
    Remember to support local businesses. Now to the ad.

    Pro Glass is advertising frameless shower doors, but the door itself, along with the rest of this bathroom scene, seem just a little bit off. At first glance, it's a beautiful master bath, but the fun (and the devil) is in the details. Let's take a closer look at that room.
    The glass door looks great. But something seemed weird about it swinging in to me. When I looked it up, building code generally says that shower doors CAN swing in but MUST swing out. That's why I've never seen one swung in, and you probably haven't, either. My assumption is that this door swings in AND out, and maybe people tend to like the look of it swung into the shower area. The reason for the code is that a door that only swings in would trap someone in the shower if he or she falls, which is why this one must swing both ways (insert pop icon joke here). So I get that, but why is it swung in or out in the photo? Would anyone leave the shower like this? My wife certainly wouldn't let me leave the shower door open after I was done. Just in case you want to duplicate this look without hiring pros like Pro Glass, be sure to avoid installing a shower door backwards in order to save space.

    The bathtub seems to be in the middle of the room, which is fine by me. I assume it makes plumbing a little more difficult, but that's a homeowner's choice. The little end table/stool next to the tub is a bit more questionable. It seems to be leather or some other soft material. On top of the table is a tray with bath oils or whatnot. Also, two towels. One towel is rolled up while the other is draped over the table. Why? I guess it looks fancy, but also, no towel racks. Is that a Florida thing? Because when I bought my house, it only had one towel rack in the shower and one over the tub, neither of which were convenient. I had to add more to the walls, where towel racks go. Or, you could add a door towel rack. But this bathroom has no towel racks at all. Just a window to allow sun-drying, but no rack in the shower or near the tub or on the door. I guess you're supposed to drape your wet towel over your beautiful shower enclosure, but that kind of defeats the purpose of all that beautiful glass.

    The last detail that is odd and maybe even a bit frightening is the bird. 
    The bird is standing in the way of a door that clearly opens in. Is it a doorstop? Maybe it's a towel rack. But when I searched online for bird doorstops and towel racks, I could not find this bad boy. I did notice that the bird stands out more than anything else in the room, so it must be important. But it's blocking EMTs from getting into the bathroom, just like a shower door that opens in. It also looks like it has sharp edges, like something I'd stick in the garden rather than where naked people walk around. If it's iron, it would probably rust as a towel rack. My wife says it's a crane. Do you want to have a crane, whether it's a towel rack, a doorstop, or a piece of art, staring at you in the shower or tub while blocking your only exit? No, thank you.



  • 1986 Bertone (Fiat) X 1/9 in Jacksonville

    I've been asked by a reader to add some photos of my X. I don't think she'd mind. 

    I've seen a few people snap photos of her as I drive around, but I've kind of neglected to take many of my own. Her permanent, legal home is in Wisconsin, where most of the photos were taken. 
  • Section 8 Housing In Jax and St. Johns


    I first heard of Section 8 housing when I saw a news story about St. Johns County. That story said St. Johns had some kind of law against Section 8 housing, which resulted in fewer options to house the homeless contingent in St. Augustine. I never looked up Section 8 at the time, though I did wonder how St. Johns could ban Section 8 while Duval can't. I'm still not all that sure about how or why, but I do know most of us don't want Section 8 in our back yards. In fact, I just discussed something similar to Section 8 with my kids, as we drove past the Dunes Apartments next to Ed Austin Park. I said the apartments looked so bad that it might make sense to pull them down and build some smaller single-family homes, which might result in some of the people who no one really wants hanging out in a park being forced to move away. But then one of my kids asked me where they'd go, and that's what makes it complicated. I'd like to say, "St. Johns County," but I can't. And so that means that those of us in Duval who live too close to Section 8 housing will eventually move to where that type of housing can't exist.
  • Jax Local Ad of the Week: Beachside Swimwear and Gifts
    First and foremost, support local businesses. Now, let's look at the ad. 

    At first glance, this week's ad might seem like standard swimwear fare, but (like most ads) there are some strange details as you look closer. But maybe it's just because the business is trying to sell off those old 2020 swimsuits. Or it's just really difficult to make swimsuit models look natural in a tiny print ad.
  • Jacksonville's Two Civil War Burnings

    At some point, most of us who live in Jacksonville learn about the fire of 1901 that destroyed most of the city. That's why I was surprised to learn of two other fires in the city's past, both during the Civil War. Neither fire was as destructive property-wise, but I think the argument could be made that both of these fires were more destructive to relationships between locals that extended to the rest of the country. These fires were burnings rather than an accidental fire like in 1901.
  • Polar Blue Skies?
    What are polar blue skies? 

    I saw the term used on the First Coast News Weather Channel. When I asked Google, she said she didn't know how to help with that, so I just searched the term "polar blue skies" myself on Google. The top results were from old First Coast News posts about the weather. So is it a Jax thing or a local meteorologist thing? Or a real thing that most weather people ignore?
  • Jax Local Ad of the Week: Milano's for Valentine's Day

    Local ads can be fun because they are not always as polished as national ad campaigns. This is the first in a series that will take a look at some local ads from mailer magazines.

    Support local businesses, even if their ads weird you out a little.

    My wife enjoys Milano's, and we have used the restaurant's promotions in the past. And if it wasn't for a pandemic, we might have done the Valentine's Day Special, even with it being presented in this somewhat odd ad.

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