Does This Man Look Like a Pedophile?Real Wisconsin New's editorial staff after much painstaking drunken debate has come to the conclusion that of the four major political candidates left running for President, only Mike Huckabee is likely to lead us to Armageddon.  Therefore, primarily at the behest of Beav who has a soft spot for evangelical-right-wing-nut-jobs with good TV smiles, Real Wisconsin News endorses "Anybody But Huckabee."

In coming to our position, Real Wisconsin News reviewed the issues and prioritized according to importance.  Rated first among our priorities for the next President was his or her ability to keep us from being killed by bad guys, terrorists, those who want oil that we have called dibs on and 1.5 billion Chinese (1.5 billion, holy crap, and they all want a chicken or pork or dog or something in their pots!). 

On security, John McCain rated first and Hillary Clinton a close second by our unique scoring methodology.  McCain rated his score because he is clearly something of a bad-ass and can be trusted to follow enough of the "Swordfish Theory of International Relations" to scare the hell out of would-be bad guys, as well as, the "Zulu Theory of Warfare " for finishing the job in order to avoid future threats.  Hillary Clinton trailed slightly based on the lip service she pays the anti-war crowd, although clearly she realizes a little ass kicking is sometimes in order (ask Bill) and does in fact support a strong military based on her defense funding votes.  Barack Obama's message of hope and fairtale happy-endings placed him third due to his lack of a grasp on the real dangers around the planet.  Finally pulling up the rear, Mike Huckabee begins his string of last place finishes by claiming he would be strong on defense, has talked with God regarding this issue and saying he'd "pray on it" as a part of his long term strategy. 

So, although the image of Mike Huckabee strapping on his Holy Armour and climbing upon his white warsteed to defend us like the great warrior Popes of the middle ages might be cinematically climatic, we believe he'd be woefully overmatched as he tried to instill Christian-Sharia law upon the land by the cave dwelling terrorist masterminds, their IEDs and army of brain dead suicide bombers.  And though we hope God is in fact on our side, we're not so sure anymore, since Huckabee, and previously Mitt Romney, both inferred that they have God's cellphone number for finding out what God wants.  Frankly, if we are in fact made in God's image, we worry that God might be pretty pissed about the arrogance of the suggestion that a man has any fucking idea what God is thinking.  If Huckabee were to become President, Real Wisconsin News is deathly afraid that a vengeful God might wield his Holy flaming fuckstick sword and kick our asses straight to hell.

As an aside, do not confuse our concern with Obama's lack of a grasp on reality regarding foreign dangers, with our whole hearted support of happy-endings.

Our next most important priority after not getting killed, is the ability of the next President to balance corporate interests with those of the general population's economic and social well-being.  This issue is particularly complex as it involves not only reducing the power of special interests without causing widespread unemployment from damaging corporations with an overzealous approach to regulation and taxation, but also the overall long-term development of the workforce and social structure through education, capital creation and egaltarian principles.  In other words, tax the super rich a little more, tax the middle class a little less, tax corporations about the same, require non-disabled people on welfare to go to school and work part-time, make sure everybody can go to school for cheap, and repair the financial system by reflating the dollar via responsible budgeting so that people can get money to buy homes and start businesses.  (Whew, that was tough to type drunk.) 

So on this second key issue, Hillary Clinton scored the highest, as she is in bed (figuratively of course) just enough with corporations to not destroy them, yet is clearly a populist.  Barack Obama and John McCain tied for second, as Obama is a clear populist and McCain would probably go mostly along with the Democratic Congress as he is much more interested in killing bad guys than being bothered with economics, education and other such nuiscances.  Mike Huckabee pulled up the rear as he hasn't finished his Econ 101 class yet and thinks that raising money mostly has to do with telling people that if they give to the Evangelical Southern Baptist Church of Hucksterbee that they will find salvation. 

Next on the Real Wisconsin News agenda is saving the enviroment, or at least the water, ground and air.  Maybe this should be the first on our priority list, but since it's such an abstract concept that we need to not destroy the planet in order to survive ourselves, we bumped it to third.  Here, Barack Obama clearly is in the lead, as he just seems like a big mushy tree hugger.  Hillary Clinton came in second because we remember her talking about alternative fuels, John McCain third for the exact same reasons as his placement on socio-economics, and once again Mike Huckabee came in last with "pray on it." 

On another side note, RWN is not so sure that "Global Warming" is completely man's fault, though, it's tough to refute the FACT that since the industrial revolution, and now with emerging economies smoking, that carbon levels have increased dramatically and dangerously.  We are certain however, that in general, man has been screwing up the planet pretty good the last century or so.  Therefore, we would like to see significant enviromental initiatives so that we might avoid testing Carlin's theory that the planet will just shake us off when she's decided she's had enough of us (kinda like that one girlfriend who left without really saying why).

Finally we rated the candidates on their healthcare plans.  Senator's Clinton and Obama tied for first as their privately run, mandated style of healthcare plans are essentially similar.  Both plans appear financially feasible due to the required private competition by healthcare providers and insurers, and the utility style regulation regarding underwriting and administration.  Both plans appear likely to broaden coverage without increasing national costs.  McCain came in third once again because he'd again go mostly along with the Democratic Congress with just a touch of conservatism to control anything from getting out of hand.  And finally, once again, Mike Huckabee with "pray on it."

On non-core issues, such as, rewriting the constitution to favor Christianity, we didn't rate any of the candidates except Huckabee, who came in last again anyway, as he actually wants to rewrite the Constitution in a way that makes sure that all non-Christians realize that we really do think less of them.  Also, Mike Huckabee came in last on abortion rights as he only wants rich women to be able to get an abortion from a doctor with everybody else needing to go to Canada, a "private neighborhood provider" or drop their infants into recycle bins at birth (now pro-lifers, please understand that RWN is pro-life as well, we just prioritize a woman's life above that of a 10 week old embryo.  We do agree that abortion beyond the embryonic stage is wrong, however, it's just not feasible, safe or even definitely more moral to prohibit as a matter of law or, by proxy, through funding initiatives, abortions in general- though, in most circumstances, partial-birth abortions ought to be illegal in our opinion.  To the rest of our readers, sorry for being so serious there).  Finally, Mike Huckabee keeps talking about embryonic stem-cell research even though as of this summer at the University of Wisconsin, it was discovered that we can in fact grow through a replication process stem cells as necessary, thus making the issue largely mute, or moot if you prefer, so we are sending him a subscription to Scientific American so he can keep up.

In summary, though Mike Huckabee seems like a nice guy with a sense of humor, we find him a scary proposition nonetheless.  RWN believes a Huckabee Presidency would be likely to cause economic depression (and at least in us regular depression), general social destruction and an overwhelming spike in the death rate of men ages 18-25; so, we reiterate our endorsement of "Anybody But Huckabee."

 

*Swordfish Theory of International Relations summary:

Stanley: War? Who are we at war with?
Gabriel (John Travolta): Anyone who impinges on America's freedom. Terrorist states, Stanley. Someone must bring their war to them. They bomb a church, we bomb 10. They hijack a plane, we take out an airport. They execute an American tourist, we tactically nuke an entire city. Our job is to make terrorism so horrific that is becomes unthinkable to attack Americans.

*Zulu Theory of Warfare summary:

Shaka: Never leave an enemy behind or it will rise again to fly at your throat.

Special thanks for this article to "Slipper Pig" from Suprise AZ for "Christian-Shiria law" and reference to the warrior Popes.

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Jacksonville News

New Jax Witty

Articles, reviews, advice, and legitimate research to go along with some back-handed comments. Think of us as Jacksonville's mother-in-law.
  • Yes, It's STILL Selfish of You When You Don't Mask Up
    I don't want to harp on this much more, but after Day 1 of my kids being back in school, I figured I'd give it one last go. Here's why it's selfish of you to not wear a mask.

    I am sure you are clean and healthy and all that, but someone out there is sick. You might believe yourself to be strong-like-bull, too smart, or immune. Or you're ancient and think it's your time when it's your time. Please, feel free to play roulette with your 2nd Amendment souvenir, away from the rest of us. You are not too smart, healthy, or clean to catch a virus. You might well survive it, or you might never even know you had it because you're such a freakin Adonis. While you are asymptomatic, possibly for weeks, you could infect dozens of people because of your odd belief that viruses respect your freedom and patriotism and religion.
  • Jogger, The New Jacksonville Video Game
    I can remember heading over to the Radio Shack on North Avenue in Milwaukee back in the 80s and seeing the new Tandy home computer, which was so much cooler than the Commodore VIC-20 we had at home. The display model even had a video game for me to play: Frogger. Forty years later, I read an article about the guy who created Prince of Persia, and the article must have mentioned Frogger, which I had on my mind as I drove down Beach Boulevard. After I nearly hit a homeless guy who had jumped out of the way of a bicycle (going the wrong direction) and into my lane, I thought that a version of Frogger called Jogger would be pretty awesome with Jacksonville as the setting.
  • Cheapest Propane Exchange in Jax
    I haven't done the math on refilling my propane tanks, since that's more of a hassle than it's probably worth. I have to assume it's a little cheaper than a propane exchange, but I'll focus on good deals for the exchange in Jacksonville.


    Walmart - $15
    Yes, it's the cheapest around. During Covid Times (or on a Saturday afternoon), it's also a lot of work to get your propane this way. I told my family that Walmart probably has some kind of contract to undercut every other seller of propane, which is either good business or bad business, depending on how you look at business. Since my time is worth a couple of dollars and I don't tend to shop at Walmart much, I am willing to pay a little more elsewhere.


    Family Dollar - $15-$20
    I wrote an article about propane on Satisfamily about the good deal here when the $5 off $25 coupons exist, but then Family Dollar went and added an exception to the coupon because of my article. However, I have seen a $5 off just for propane, so keep an eye out for that one. At least it's fairly easy to get your propane here, more like the gas stations.



    On the Fly BP on Monument - $17
    I ended up here because Wawa didn't seem to have propane, so I couldn't use my Wawa gift card, and since I couldn't make a u-turn on McCormick to get to Gate, I decided to take a gander at the BP station. I was surprised by the $17 price, since $20 seems to be standard at gas stations. The attendant told me he had the cheapest prices in town, which might be the case when you compare to other gas stations. Fast and easy, like it should be. The store even has two cases of propane, probably because so much of it is sold here. I told the guy I'd be back.


    Most other gas stations - $20
    I have seen propane as high as $22 at local gas stations, but I think the $19.99 is normally the standard price in Jacksonville for propane exchange. There's no shame in paying the standard price, especially if you don't want to deal with Walmart or don't live near Monument and McCormick.


    Walgreens - $22
    The Walgreens on Monument and McCormick advertises $20 propane exchange, but when I bought my one and only tank there, I ended up paying $22 plus tax, not $20. For $2, I didn't end up going back up there, and the sign has claimed a lower price for two years, so I'm not the only one who has not complained to management.


    For the amount of cooking you'll get out of your propane, it's probably worth the $15-$22 you'll spend on fuel. It might not be a good deal to heat your house in the winter or to run your dual-fuel generator after a hurricane, but it's not bad for outdoor cooking. If you live in East Arlington, try the BP station on Monument. If you know of a low price in another area of town, let me know, and I'll add it to the list.


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    McNewsy - Creative Writing
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    Epic Folktale - Stories of the unknown
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    Brian Jaeger - Resume (I'm always interested)

    Contact Me
  • Florida Tourism - The Destination Funeral
    I was trying to find out what happened to the lovely 33-acre May Mann Jennings Park over on the North Side when I had this great idea for tourism in Jacksonville. It's mostly because Streetview of the park seemed to only show the Evergreen Cemetery, which kind of shares (or overruns) the park. In fact, COJ says the May Mann Jennings Park has "been returned to a natural, undeveloped state." For those of you who don't know government code, this means there's no funding for a park in an industrial/hood area of town. Anyhow, my search for a forgotten gem of a park was thwarted, but the cemetery next door got me to thinking about Florida/Jacksonville tourism, and I wondered if anyone had ever considered a destination funeral. 
  • This Article is Not a Paid Placement Written by a Guest
    I get contacted all the time about allowing someone to write an article on one of my websites, many times about a topic I've covered. These people either want to send me full text articles or links to articles that I can copy from another site. They never say how much they want to pay me to host their articles, and I don't really know how much to charge (if I were to do it), but I got a bit of an idea what it might be worth based on a Craigslist ad I saw. Still, I won't be offering my website to the highest bidder like the local news sites do. 
  • 5x110 16" wheels and tires in Jacksonville - $150 (from a Saab 9-3)
    I tried posting these tires and wheels on Craigslist, but I think everyone in Jacksonville is scared of the website, so I'll post it here instead. If this article is still online, then I have the wheels with tires in my garage, and I want them gone. The wheels came off a 2008 Saab 9-3. The tires are not matched, but they have a lot of tread. I'll share the original posting and reiterate that the wheels should work on the vehicles I list with the same bolt pattern and similar offset. 
  • Teens Send Eyes Rolling
    Have you ever heard teens or young kids talking in a way that made you roll your eyes? Obviously, you have. Anyone who is not a teen or braggadocios toddler laughs and cries on the inside any time one of these types speaks out loud. Here's an example from my Lyft travel chronicles. 

    I've picked up these teens a few times now. I'll assume they are cousins, and (based on cars in the driveway), I'd say that at least one cousin is from Missouri. Not that it really matters, except those of us who have lived in Kansas know that not a whole lot of good comes from Missouri. 

    The first time I picked up these girls, they were headed to a fairly interesting neighborhood, maybe because they lived in a very uninteresting area. I didn't think too much about it, at least until I pulled up and saw a dilapidated house with dozens of people hanging out in the parking lot that was once a residential street. And there was a bouncer. Some kind of house party. I wasn't sure it was a safe place, based on some of the partygoers who had spilled into the street and begun yelling at one another. But I am not the father of these youngins, so it wasn't really my place.

    The next time the girls got in the car, they were headed to the bars at the Beaches, which seemed odd, given that there was no way any of the three were 21. Based on the conversation on the way, I know at least one of them wasn't even 18, as she was telling her other companions that she always blocked guys on whatever social platform when they started to ask about her age. What's funny is that I did one other ride of maybe twenty minutes, and then I ended up picking these girls back up, which means for all their short skirts and attitude, they could not convince the pubs to allow them in. 

    On the ride to the bars, it was mostly about the under-18 friend telling the others about her desirability. Beyond the InstaSnap example, she also discussed several guys who were texting her, as well as the one or two she was actually dating. She said one guy said he'd kill himself (or her, or both) if she ever cheated on him, but she also implied that's exactly what had been happening. I'm not sure it was with the other guy she'd been chatting with, but one was, according to her, the top rated high school athlete in the country. That made me laugh, but her friends didn't question it one bit. It reminded me of when I took a bunch of German interns out to a bar in Madison, WI, and two guys there started telling the girls they were actors. My friend and I then started telling the interns that we too were actors. FYI guys, girls will believe you are the top rated athlete in the country or an actor, if you want to play it that way. My friend and I had a girl back in high school convinced we were nationally-ranked ultimate frisbee competitors.

    So these high schoolers were all excited about the bars and online boyfriend's. But, like I said, twenty minutes after the drop-off, I was taking them back home. No one said a single word until the vixen got a phone call from her mom, and she told her mom several times that they were now in the car and heading home. I am sure there is a story I don't know, like mom had the phone lojacked or mom got a call from a bouncer. Either way, it's probably for the best that mom got involved and that these high school girls looking for trouble didn't find it.

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    Satisfamily - Articles about being happy as a family
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    McNewsy - Creative Writing
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    Voucher School - Pros and Cons of School Vouchers
    Luthernet - Web Design for Lutheran Churches
    Sitcom Life Lessons - What we've learned from sitcoms
    Mancrush Fanclub - Why not?
    Epic Folktale - Stories of the unknown
    Wild West Allis - Every story ever told about one place
    Educabana on Teachers Pay Teachers (mostly ELA lessons)
    Real Wisconsin News - Satire from Wisconsin
    Zoo Interchange Milwaukee - Community website
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    Brian Jaeger - Resume (I'm always interested)

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  • Why Are You Wearing a Mask? Teachable Moment Lost
    As an UberLyftGrubHub-type independent contractor, I am supposed to wear a mask when I work the side hustle. I am generally OK with it, but I have been mask-shamed enough in Jacksonville that it's time to write about my experiences so that (hopefully) others don't have to deal with the same bullying. 

    Yes, I (and other people) will be driving around with masks on, even all alone. These people might be driving other people around in a rideshare, they might be delivering food or supplies, or they might be just around the corner from picking up Grandma. The point is that people who are wearing masks all alone in a vehicle, probably have a reason to be wearing that mask, and no one is wearing a mask to ridicule you or your president. 

    I have had three people in less than a month decide to ask me why I was wearing a mask. The latest was potentially the best opportunity to turn the situation into a teachable moment, but I instead acted in anger (with a touch of worry), so I missed the chance. I'd like to take the opportunity to add a little to the initial interaction now. 

    A high school-aged girl rolled down her window as I sat at a red light. "Why are you wearing a mask when you're all alone?" 

    "I am driving for UberLyft and it's required, Babe,"was my first response. I don't normally call girls/women "babes," but I was feeling a little sassy. She smiled and was satisfied, but that's when anger took hold of me instead of reason. "And so I don't have to smell you," I added. 

    She was quick enough to bring back, "Yeah, people are pretty gross," as she rolled up her window. But that's not how it was supposed to end, with her making a Tik Tok video about the mean UberLyft guy who said she smelled bad. Actually, I tamed my response way down BECAUSE she was so young, since I've been preparing some real zingers, but I've also thought of some more important things I could have said. So here's what I really meant to say. 

    "None of us are all alone."No man is an island entire of itself. We are all in this together, and we need to be responsible for each other. This answer would not have addressed the specifics, but it might have gotten an important point across. All the young people, like this girl, deciding to head out for no real reason, may not realize that when the bell tolls, it tolls for them. 30, 40, 50 deaths PER DAY in Florida have mostly been preventable, at least a percentage of them. So what if I over-wear my mask to protect others (or myself) just a little bit more than the CDC even requires? 

    "Why aren't YOU wearing a mask?" This answer might not always work, but this white girl was sitting next to her Blasian/Whack/Blaxican friend. I only mention the other girl's race because it led me to assume they were not siblings (and combining race names is an interesting use of language, and two friends out for a drive during a pandemic should both be wearing masks. If Kaitlyn goes and infects her grandma with Type-2 Diabetes because she got a virus from an asymptomatic friend, then Kaitlyn will feel guilty. I met a guy who said he brought Covid-19 home to his dad and his dad died. While the guy I met did not seem to blame himself (and that's probably the best response), I couldn't help but feel like I would have blamed myself. Anyone who refuses to wear a simple mask and then carries a deadly virus to a loved one should feel guilty. I'd feel guilty even if the virus got through my mask. Yes, you should feel guilty if you show up to school or a nursing home with the flu, but Covid-19 is marginally worse than the flu, AND it's been covered by the media enough to remind you. 

    "I don't want to smell all the BS from people like you." This response is taking it more political. I hear a lot of people who say Covid-19 is overhyped or fake. I assume that people who are going to bother to call me out for wearing a mask (while not wearing a mask next to a non-family member) do not believe in pandemics, masks, or science. 

    "Jacksonville stinks!" I kind of like this open-ended version of the previous answer, since it's not putting her down overtly. But it still is. And it's not making it all political, but it still is, if you read into it. But I am pretty sure these two teens were fairly shallow, so she probably would have just assumed I was being completely literal. 

    "I don't want to have to hurt your grandma/mom if I give her a ride, so I strap on protection." This one is probably my favorite of the comebacks I have considered since the latest incident. I might have even thought of it at the time, but when I saw two teenage girls, I decided to tone it down a few notches. Still, the double entendre here is pretty funny. But it's also true. 

    "I'm a real American." Just reverse psychology here. Most people who think masks are wrong somehow see them as an afront to patriotism, but nothing is more patriotic than sacrificing for the good of your country.

    Don't read the following comeback unless you are over 17 or are being supervised by an adult:
    "Because your / your mom's ________ -_________ed __________ ________ of _________ _________'s __________  that has been used to __________ various _______ stars, _________, and models/wives (who are also basically ____________s) , and your boyfriend/dad has _________ from ______ing too much of _________'s _________, and the only reason your ________ist boyfriend/dad votes for the ____________ is because he wants the government to force __________ to not have __________ but then not force him to wear masks for basically the same reason, and he also probably would rather be ____________ing a super porn whore model star wife than you/your mom. And he wants to be rich, but he won't be through any ability of his own, just like his favorite president." If people want to make simple, proven science into another political debate and say that I am somehow weak for wearing a mask because a self-professed germaphobe and completely amoral president calls the pandemic names instead of encouraging the use of common sense, then I can be just as nasty as anyone, and I don't need a gun or red trucker hat to back me up. And those of you who support Trump don't need his permission to make a decision that might save a loved-one's life. You are the epitomy of stupid Americans and are embarrassing the rest of us, and while being a stupid American is usually just synonymous with being wasteful, this time you are saying your personal freedom to be a stupid American is more important than preserving the lives of millions of older fellow stupid Americans who mostly vote for the same stupid people as you. Play along, at least until we decide whether or not a vaccine is going to happen. If a vaccine doesn't seem like it's possible, feel free to abandon the masks and give your grandma and favorite hooker one last hug.



    Search New Jax Witty
    Related Stories
     
     
     
    Thanks for reading. See more of my content:

    Satisfamily - Articles about being happy as a family
    Passive Ninja - Web Design in Jacksonville
    McNewsy - Creative Writing
    Educabana - Educational Resources
    Brave New Church - Church Website Design
    Voucher School - Pros and Cons of School Vouchers
    Luthernet - Web Design for Lutheran Churches
    Sitcom Life Lessons - What we've learned from sitcoms
    Mancrush Fanclub - Why not?
    Epic Folktale - Stories of the unknown
    Wild West Allis - Every story ever told about one place
    Educabana on Teachers Pay Teachers (mostly ELA lessons)
    Real Wisconsin News - Satire from Wisconsin
    Zoo Interchange Milwaukee - Community website
    Chromebook Covers - Reviews and opinions

    Brian Jaeger - Resume (I'm always interested)

    Contact Me
  • The Right Way to Update Your Old Website
    I updated a website several years ago for a church in Milwaukee. Basically, it had a website that was broken (and potentially hacker-dangerous) because it was built on Joomla 1.0 technology. The church assumed I would be building a whole new website, but when I saw that several articles were approaching 10,000 hits, I figured it was better to migrate the website. 
  • Shell Fuel Rewards Simple Enough Until it Gets Complicated, But You Should Have It
    When I decided I needed Top Tier gas and then AAA switched rewards from Gate to Shell, it seemed like a perfect match. My 5¢ per gallon discount would make the slightly more expensive Shell gasoline about the same price as the non-Top Tier options. And it's really pretty easy to
    Save Money at Shell.

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