Charlton Heston holding on to his rifle

Weeks after film star and National Rifle Association spokesman Charlton Heston died, authorities were finally able to separate him from his gun. Mr. Heston had apparently been sleeping with the 1873 Winchester Rifle, sometimes claiming he was “going home” with the gun. Unfortunately and ironically, Heston cannot be buried with the gun because of state laws, and because he had promised the gun to the NRA to be auctioned off.

 

In an interview with Real Wisconsin News, NRA President John C. Sigler said that he felt terrible that they had to exhume the body and pry the gun from Heston’s hands, but since the law had forbade the burial and an eBay auction would likely pay his salary for the year, the only choice was to “retrieve the gun for the rights of all mankind.” California had initially allowed the burial to take place, with authorities assuming the rifle was a replica used to signify Heston’s allegiance to the NRA, not a loaded, fully-functioning rifle that nobody could pry away from the Hollywood star.

 

 

California Attorney General Edmund G. Brown Jr. said that people can be buried with pretty much whatever they please, but when it’s a loaded gun, the standard grave robberies that happen to all of the stars’ bodies takes on a more sinister note. “Each Hollywood legend gets dug back up at least once—you know, some deranged fan or grave-robber, hoping the celebrity’s family didn’t take every last jewelry item to the local pawn shop. However, it’s against the California state penal code to leave a loaded weapon right where kids could get at it, and people often use the kids to go down in the holes they dig to the caskets. And let me tell you, some of the things people do to those celebrities makes me glad I’m a lawyer and not a star, and that says a lot coming from a lawyer.”

 

One detail that complicated the retrieval of the gun was the fact that Heston had been buried in his gun safe, and instead of the normal pry-open-wearing-a-mask scenario, the Beverly Hills SWAT Team had to be called in to set C4 explosives on the safe. “It was a top-of-the-line model,” said Brown. “Actually, had we known exactly what Mr. Heston was buried in, we may not have attempted the exhumation, but no one at the funeral really thought the casket was a real gun safe, either.”

 

The gun was finally retrieved, as was most of Mr. Heston. The state of California poured concrete over the safe in order to ensure the privacy Heston desired was still intact, and the gun was unloaded and given to the NRA. “Actually, the C4 did a pretty good job of severing one hand from the gun,” said Brown, “but we did have to pry it out of the other hand. I gained a lot of respect for Charlton Heston today.”

 

Friday, February 25, 2011 16086
Whether it's 2011 or 2015, unions appear to bring protesters from outside of Wisconsin to Madison to attempt to intimidate Scott Walker. Governor Scott Walker has said that out of state protesters now outnumber those from Wisconsin who are protesting the bill that would kill their unions. Real Wisconsin News investigated, studying photos taken at the protests. We found that not only is Walker right, but UW-Madison may be up to some of their old tricks doctoring photos to make the protests appear more multicultural. You be the judge: British police and an Asian mob? Scott Walker seems to be right.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011 11238
Scott Walker received a mandate from state voters, and that mandate is to create new jobs, so teachers and other people with more advanced degrees than the governor should stop whining and get on with their lives. As an independent consultant, I've known tough times over the past two years, and the people that take my $20,000 a year in property taxes sure as sunshine better learn to deal with less, too. It's for the betterment of society that you sacrifice for others, especially if you happen to be a bleeding-heart liberal to begin with.

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