Who hasn’t wondered from time to time, “How do these half-yuppie, half-hippies dancing in front of me at Summerfest keep f@#$ing procreating? Who keeps filming Mel Gibson movies?” or “How can there still be fans of the NY Yankees or Minnesota Vikings?” These are rigorous and valid questions. Darwin’s principles of natural selection tell us that undesirable characteristics and behaviors are selected against in the breeding process. After millions of years of human evolution, shouldn’t we be able to live a life free of these douchebags?

 
Darwin’s theory of natural selection is simple. If the female peacock has three mates from which to choose – one with blue plumage, one with red plumage, and one who calls himself a vegetarian despite eating chicken and fish, she will choose either of the first two, for colorful plumage is a desirable characteristic for peacocks, whereas pompous insincerity is not. After all, nobody wants to hear that shit. Over time, these jackasses are less able to find mates, their genes do not get passed along, and eventually these behaviors have left the population.

Humans have had over 50 million years to evolve, and we know douchebags have been a scourge on human existence dating back to the early Egyptian kingdoms after the Rosetta Stone allowed researchers to determine that the phalli with hairy balls scratched in the back of the Great Sphynx of Giza were not, in fact, hieroglyphics. So we know it is not a question of not having enough time to evolve.

[Editors Note: Even if you are one of those douchebags that believes in intelligent design, there remains an inconsistency. One can only help but conclude that no righteous God would ever smite the world with a plague of douchebags. Does God consider this design ‘intelligent’?? We must search for other reasons.]

Douchebags could mate selectively with each other to pass down these characteristics, but given the length of time in question, this would have lead to the development of a separate species. By selectively mating together, the genetic material of these helmets would concentrate with each successive generation until they would be incapable of mating with the rest of us [The principle of Divergent Evolution]. The baboon at the zoo picking his ass would not be the gentleman in front of you at Pick n’ Save. Humans have been evolving for over 50 million years – plenty of time for the gene which propels some dipshit to book Elton John for Harleyfest to have been eliminated from the population.

The principles of genetics

We return now to conundrum of the dicktard flailing his arms and legs in front of you at Summerfest, knocking over your beer in an attempt to impress a skeptical potential mate.

There has certainly been sufficient time for evolution to have had an effect, and we can see that he will not be mating… So why has this behavior has not evolved out?

The answer lies in genetics. The impulse which causes people to fart in an elevator is a phenotype caused by our genes. Genes are passed to offspring through the individual chromosomes of the parents. Humans have two chromosomes, each with the gene for a particular characteristic. Only one of the genes that controls a behavior or characteristic – e.g. whether an individual runs for governor - will be expressed In genetic parlance the chromosome most likely to be expressed is called “dominant” with the other being labeled “recessive”. Let us label this politician gene “d” for douchebag. There are three possible combinations in the parent generation.

 

                                      

The first, homozygous autosomal dominant DD is a normal person. In the second, the dominant “D” gene selects again for a normal person in the heterozygote. It is only the last combination, homozygous recessive “dd” that you see driving 48 in the left hand lane.

In the process of meiosis, each parent will donate only one of their chromosomes. We therefore see the following possibilities in the progeny generation:

For the homozygous autosomal dominant (DD):

DD x DD à DD for all children [all normal]

DD x Dd à DD (50%), Dd, (50%) [all normal]

DD x dd à Dd for all children [all normal]

For the heterozygote (Dd):

Dd x DD à DD (50%), dD (50%) [all normal]

Dd x Dd à DD (25%), Dd (50%), dd (25%) [75% normal, quarter asswipe]

Dd x dd à Dd (50%), dd(50%) [half asswipe]

And lastly for homozygous retarded (dd):

dd x DD à Dd for all children [all normal]

dd x Dd à Dd (50%), dd(50%) [50% refer to themselves in 3rd person]

dd x dd à dd for all children [and also inherit Hilton estate]

Even assuming that no reasonable individual mates with one of these [dd] jackasses, the presence of the hidden recessive “d” gene in the asymptomatic carriers [Dd heterozygote] allows for two seemingly normal individuals to give birth to Tom Cruise or Terrell Owens. And this end result is why you spend so much time at the DMV.

Depressing as this is, the scientific community continues to work tirelessly to develop in utero tests via amniocentesis that would allow for diagnosis of the douchebag gene before birth. There are also several phase II trials studying the effect of a novel pharmaceutical agent debaginase douchopranol as a potential treatment modality. The company behind development is trying to scale-up research & development in preparation for the 2008 U.S. presidential primaries.

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Jacksonville News

New Jax Witty

Articles, reviews, advice, and legitimate research to go along with some back-handed comments. Think of us as Jacksonville's mother-in-law.
  • Fellows and Residents Searching for Rental Properties

    If you have a fellowship or residency, you're going to be looking for a home in a new city, probably in a new state. You can rely on the rental or home websites or hire a realtor, but it also helps to have some insight from someone who has lived in the area for a long time. I qualify as that person in the Milwaukee and Jacksonville areas, so if you have a placement at the Medical College of Wisconsin, Mayo Florida, or UF, you might want to contactme. Especially for MCW and Mayo. 


  • If You're Going to Get Guy Food, Be Ready For Anything
    A local woman was emotional and upset during a news interview after a man pointed a gun at her in a Hardee's drive thru down on Baymeadows. Personally, I don't like guns, but I do have to admit that if you're going to get your food at a guy restaurant in Jacksonville, you should be ready for anything and nothing should surprise you.
  • Neighborly or Not: Dealing With Conflict in Jacksonville

    Relationships are important, especially when those relationships involve your neighbors. I can write an article on this or other websites that gets hits from all around the country, and I'm just some anonymous guy writing about a topic of interest. But when you post on your Facebook neighborhood group or on Nextdoor, you're making the choice for your neighbors to see the content. Even benign posts with the intent of being diplomatic can be taken the wrong way. A recent situation in my neighborhood is a great example of how conflicts might escalate on social media, even if the intent was basically the exact opposite.


    To begin with, I should have learned my lesson about trusting others when we first moved to Jacksonville. My car was hit from behind at a stop light by a college kid who begged me to let him pay for the damage rather than report another claim to his insurance. I trusted him and basically lost out on $1,000. Welcome to Jacksonville. But I didn't really know him, and I haven't seen him since, so I am mostly over it. Except there was a lesson to be learned that I apparently have yet to figure out. I had several options at my disposal when the latest incident happened, yet I still apparently got it all wrong, and this article represents my effort to clarify and attempt to rectify the situation. I once again relied on trust that another person would do what was right.


    This is what happened and is not disputed: a neighbor’s dog got out of his garage/family room and attacked our dog. Our dog was on a leash and on the sidewalk. The neighbor broke it up quickly and apologized, saying his dog had never done that before. I swore a lot; like a sailor, or maybe even like a sailor from Boston.


    Now for the disputed parts. 

    1. I say it was a Pit Bull, as it was a total Pit Bull attack (and the dog looked like one to me), while the neighbor (or at least his kid) said it was not a Pit Bull. 

    2. While there were no visible signs of injury to our dog immediately, we found a wound the next day that she was licking. 


    To be clear, we never had any problems with this neighbor before. In fact, our interactions had always been pleasant. Plus, I like the fact that he doesn't tend to park his two cars OVER the sidewalk like so many other neighbors, even if he doesn't park them IN the garage where cars belong (my minority opinion). But those cars being in the driveway did allow his dog to surprise us as it charged out of the open garage/family room.


    After the dog attack, we had to decide what to do next. We kicked around all of the ideas, but settled with the (I assume) typical Florida reaction of doing nothing. These are what we believed to be our options. 


    1. Do nothing, hoping my own swearing tirade and the fear of what could have happened would be enough to persuade the owner to keep his dog on a leash.

    2. Go the legal route. Report the incident to Animal Control, the police, and the HOA. File a small claims lawsuit and hope for Judge Judy. However, COJ says you need an affidavit signed by two unrelated people or a video of the incident, which is pretty difficult to pull off (unless the neighbor has surveillance video he'd like to share or wants to sign an affidavit against himself). It also has to be notarized. Really. The HOA option, however, might have led somewhere, though I have had at least two email complaints ignored by our HOA. Your HOA results may vary. And small claims lawsuits are kind of small: I could waste both our time, win a hundred dollars, and just end up with an angry neighbor. It's not like you call JSO for a dog bite, right? Someone suggested putting the vet bills in his mailbox, maybe with a lawyer-ish letter, or even knocking on his door to talk, but I wasn't sure about another in-person confrontation. When our neighbor kid destroyed a Christmas lawn ornament, I also balked at the confrontation, even though I had video evidence. It's just not fun, and those neighbors liked us until the day they moved away, whereas I don't know what would have happened if I called their son a liar.

    3. Social Media Shame. I did NOT do this, though the neighbor seems to believe I did because I referenced the attack in a closed Facebook group post about two other Pit Bulls roaming around the neighborhood. If I wanted to Facebook shame my neighbor, I would have included his name, address, photos of an obvious Pit Bull from his own Facebook posts, his occupation and how it might relate to not wanting to admit what kind of dog he owns, the receipts for our expenses, and photos of the injury. I could have added a photo of the house to warn others to stay away, and I could have further tormented the neighbor with a recap of his court and financial history. And rather than posting it to a closed Facebook group, I certainly would have posted it to all of Facebook and Twitter, along with an article here and on several other websites. And I would have sent links to the local news, the HOA, local politicians, and the neighbor's homeowner's insurance or mortgage company. I collected all of the information I would have needed to be able to do this, but all I did was mention the attack in passing in a post: "I don't want to start a big debate, but our leashed dog was attacked by a pit bull in our neighborhood on the sidewalk a few weeks back (with the owner letting it run loose). I refrained from reporting the owner and suing for vet bills because I did not want to stir up trouble. But now I have this video of two different pit bulls wandering around at 4am. If you like dogs, cats, or small children, this video should worry you. I know some of you love these dogs, so I will not say more. My daughter witnessed the attack and is now worried all over again. Please, keep all of your pets inside, fenced in, and on a leash."


    Apparently, my neighbor whose dog attacked ours saw this post and became angry. Even though our family has mostly stopped walking past his house, I decided to take the dog that direction one morning. As I walked past his house, he walked from his side yard towards the oft-open garage and started laughing loudly. After the restraint I had shown (in my mind) by not suing, issuing complaints, or publicly deriding this man, I assumed the most I would hear out of his mouth would be a half-hearted apology with me accepting and reminding him to keep the dog on a leash. Instead, I heard cynical laughter that continued as I passed his house on the street (avoiding the sidewalk where it happened). Eventually, I said, "What?!"

    The neighbor, who you might realize I am still not naming, went through his list of grievances after saying he saw what I posted on Facebook: “I apologized.” “The dog had never done that before.” “You’re not going to sue.” “Your dog wasn’t even bitten.” “Your daughter only cried because of all your swearing.” I think he also initially asked me what my problem was, or something like that. The point is that he took my passing reference to his negligence and took it to be me attacking him personally, so he decided to come after me personally. Since I was kind of surprised, I didn't say anything. Besides, this neighbor already had two of the 3Ps of Jacksonville (Pit Bull and Pickup), so I assumed he owned the third (Pistol).

    I have tried to see this situation from my neighbor's perspective. I did swear a lot. Our dog didn't yelp. We didn't contact him to see about rabies after the bite. I guess I can see why he thought it was all behind us, but instead of allowing a fairly innocuous Facebook post to go by, he decided to call me a liar, as if I would create that lie and then not try to hit him up for cash? As if I'd create the lie to deride him and then not identify him? 

    So, lessons learned, everyone. It seemed that the only time the offending party in Jacksonville has been happy with me is the time I never told my neighbor his kid destroyed a lawn ornament. That means people want you to forgive, forget, move on, and never mention it. The problem is that I expect the opposite from others if I'm at fault. If my kids destroy something at a neighbor's house, if my dog bites a neighbor's cat, or if I sideswipe a neighbor's car, I want to own that it happened and what I can do to fix the situation. Integrity and honesty, especially when it comes to my kids seeing it. We all make mistakes, but those of us who admit our mistakes instead of trying to pretend they never happened are much better off. I already apologized to my wife and daughter about my swearing incident (and they know it's not who I am). I hope my neighbor can move past the people who might have wronged him in the past and realize that I am not those people. Maybe he also needs to reflect on the man he really is, too, especially if blaming others for his failings is typical. 

    I wish I could offer more concrete advice. I saw one 60s sitcom where the wives got together and figured it all out for their husbands. But I saw another more recent one when the wives got together and made a feud worse. Plus, sitcoms are not real life. Maybe our kids will be friends in high school. My plan is to move on and start walking past the house again. I am hoping I don't have to keep my phone recording the whole time, but since it's Jacksonville, that's probably the best idea.

  • Save Money on Gas
    I was excited when AAA changed its partnership to Shell and offered $.05 / gallon discount to members. Then, T-Mobile bought Sprint and gave me another weekly discount at Shell. Now, I also started using the Getupside app for another discount on fill ups, and you should, too.

    While my Shell rewards doesn't allow me to fully stack the rewards, I do get "cash" back from Getupside that can be used for Amazon or Walmart gift cards. Instead of the normal $.12 per gallon, I get $.085 per gallon while saving $.05 at the pump, for a total of 13.5 pennies back per gallon. When gas is as low as $2.00 a gallon, that's a decent 6.75% off. I'm also not limited to Shell with Getupside, so I can just take the $.12 per gallon at a cheaper gas station that also offers my preference of top tier gasoline, though I have yet to research which local ones would be my best bet.
  • Male Fashion and Lifestyle: 3 Things Every Man Needs


    Since I started wearing my Christmas present a bit early, I was asked about my watch by someone. It's a hybrid watch, which means it looks and acts like an old-fashioned watch but adds some smart watch features. I'd kind of missed having a watch since the Kansas movers stole my last one on our way to Jacksonville. Anyhow, the topic is watches, and this guy tells me there are three things every man should have: a tie, a watch, and a cologne collection. 
  • My Guides to Jacksonville

    I've met several people thinking of relocating to Jacksonville, and I often tell them to check out my website for my guide to the city. Except I did just that myself and realized it's not that easy to find, so here's a guide to my guides. 

    Also, if you're thinking of moving here and want to hire an actual guide, that can be arranged. Use the contactform to work out the details. Or ask your realtorto take you everywhere...they love doing that.
  • 95% of Jax Florida Blue Employees Are Working From Home; Umm, Uh-oh
    I am all for American jobs in America, which is why when I read about Florida Blue renting out office space because 95% of its workforce is working from home, I got worried.  If Florida Blue realizes that the employees don't really have to be in the office to be effective, I have to wonder how long it will take before the company wonders whether the employees need to be in America to be effective. And it's probably happening in lots of places across America right now. 
  • Every Duval County Middle School Parent--Read This

    I wrote an article about searchingfor a high school if you live in Jacksonville, but I realize now that my article might give some parents a false sense of security because your otherwise good student might not qualify for some of the Duval programs. Your own school and Duval Schools might claim it's all your fault. While that's partially true, I'm here to help you avoid a potentially huge mistake that needs to be addressed early in middle school. And it's especially important for those of you with kids in private or charter schools.
  • Guy in Blue VW Probably Deserves What He Gets
    I'm not sure what the penalty is for shoplifting, since I've never really done it, but I do feel that a guy I saw recently stealing from a convenience store probably deserves to get the book thrown at him. The problem is that it probably won't happen, so this guy will keep on taking his own personal discounts until someone bothers to go after the bum, though perhaps writing about him will help him admit the error of his ways.
  • People Can Still Hear You, Even if You're Wearing a Mask

    I realize that masks make talking and hearing others more difficult, and wearing one also provides an odd sense of security that may or may not actually exist. While it's true people can't see all of your facial expressions, they can still hear you. However, if you're like me, your mask might entice you into forgetting that others can actually understand the words coming out of your mouth. 

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