Cubs choke! Cubs choke!Normally, fans at home hate it when television broadcasts of sports focus on elements of the game that are irrelevant, like the wife of the coach or little kids with stupid signs. However, in the last two Cubs games, TBS was irresponsible in their decision to refrain from showing the crowd (until after most viewers tuned out) as the Cubs choked once again.

Cubs fans are the most annoying in the country, besides Boston fans, and everyone around the country wants to see them suffer. Unfortunately, we are unable to see Boston fans suffer because they won in basketball, baseball, and football recently, though the Super Bowl collapse was magnificent. Anyway, Cubs fans are pretty much as ridiculous as Boston fans. They love their team when they have no reason and they blame everyone else when their team loses.

Cubs fans show up to be seen, so why not show them between each pitch when the Cubs are losing? In a city with so much anonymity, Cubs fans relish the chance to stand and cheer for their perennial losers because some boys at the office might see them at the park. Fans sit in their cars during Chicago traffic jams, contemplating ways they will give each other high-fives in the stands or wear clever t-shirts to be discussed by the television analysts. Unfortunately for the rest of us, Cubs fans tend to be too large, old, smelly, and lacking in class, like the city they live next to in their suburban neighborhoods.

Cubs fans are all like Harry Caray. Some of them might be senile, but most of them are just simple people who enjoy beer and shiny helmets. Many of them also like watching talented people fall apart when it matters most, probably because they’re all second-fiddle at some important Chicago-based multi-national company. When asked if Chicago fans are in fact like him, Harry Caray said, “Haaay! Where’s Ryno and Howard ‘Ho Jo’ Johnson and Sammy. I like the pretty putter-puff clouds in the sky and, whoa, look at her in the stands! It’s Mildred Anderson’s 95th birthday today. Holy Cow!”

And, of course, as I write this article, the Dodgers score again in the 8th inning, and TBS finally decides to show just about every fan in the stands. Apparently, they got my angry phone call—I’d much rather see suffering Chicago Cubs fans than “Frank TV” ads. Edmonds just dropped a ball in center because he had to pick up his Geritol on his way to catching it. Speaking of defense, the Cubs demonstrated their lack of ability there as well, with Derek Lee making Prince Fielder look like a gold glover, and that’s really hard to do. All four infielders made errors in the game, which should make Ricky Weeks feel better about his sorry self.

OK, OK, late in the game, TBS began showing just about every fan who looked like his daughter just got knocked up by a hockey player. Then they showed Ron Santo’s old fat ass doing the radio broadcast, assuming he actually wants a Cubs team to do what his couldn’t.

As for the Curse of the Billy Goat: We all saw with the Boston Red Stockings, curses can eventually be broken, and once Lou Piniella shows genuine affection for a goat by at least calling one afterwards, the only curses left at Wrigley will be the Curse of the Lights (1988) and the Curse of the Gum, enacted by an angry dentist in 1996, as well as the Curse of the Idiot Fans and the Curse of the Take me Out to the Ballgame Retardedness, which will continue indefinitely.

Thursday, December 20, 2018 10765
The city of West Allis, after years of trying really hard, has decided to give up. The city has been ridiculed by others for some time, and though giving up never seemed to be an option before, it recently read an article about why people give up that made all the difference. "I was just searching the internet at the West Allis Public library when I found this article about why people give up," West Allis said in a recent interview. "I identified with those same concerns, but I just didn't see a way to avoid surrendering, so I did." Here's the list of reasons people give up and why West Allis has decided to join the throngs of humans who have done the same: 1. They want the outcome more than they want to obtain a skill. People want to get a better job without knowing how to do that job. It's easy if you have a rich uncle who owns a family business, but West Allis's richest uncle (Milwaukee) can barely keep things together. West Allis wants to be seen as a place for young couples to raise their families, but the small homes and weird neighbors are not welcoming to young professionals. "I tried building some nice, new apartments, but Milwaukee and Wauwatosa were doing the same thing, and that's where people want to be," claims West Allis. 2. They care too much about what people think (and fear judgment in failure). West Allis gets ridiculed by the big city next to it and other suburbs alike. "You think it doesn't hurt when you say 'Dirty Stallis' or chant 'Westallions!' while your team pummels our high school team, but it does hurt. Words hurt, Brookfield," says West Allis. Back when West Allis could still win at high school sports and had industries that were not shuddered, the residents could point to the scoreboard or laugh on their walk to work, but years of judgment for perceived failure has turned into more years of judgment for actual failure. "I keep the roads plowed and the streets relatively safe, but people still think there's something wrong here," said the city. 3. They mistake failure for lessons learned. West Allis claims that it has learned lessons over the years, like when the school system basically went bankrupt. The problem is that the lesson, even if it was learned, doesn't get enrollment up, and there's still no money. "People don't want to send their kids to our schools, then the schools blow through money faster than a North Shore patron at Heartbreakers, so now there's no money and no kids, so there's no lesson," says the inner-ring suburb. "That's failure, right?" 4. They would rather throw in the towel than pivot. West Allis claims it has tried to pivot before, like turning the former Allis-Chalmers plant into a high-end shopping center and business park. "We couldn't help that Kmart, Dollar Tree, and Burlington didn't bring in the fancy shoppers from out of the area," argues the city. "We even call it the 'Towne Center' to make it seem fancier. The next step would be to call it the Towne Centre, but whatever. I'm done pivoting." 5. They do not have the discipline to stick with their idea long enough to see it live. West Allis says it has stuck to the idea of an affordable community minutes from nicer communities for years. "The problem is that people still want to move on up to The Falls or West Bend or Muskego," says the towne. "Those people who move out there have nicer homes and schools, and lower taxes, and nicer air quality, and fewer problems with their neighbors, but..., aw forget it!" 6. They get distracted by what someone else is doing. "Hell, yeah, I get distracted by all the nice amenities going in around the area while I'm stuck with Hobo and an old-ass Menards store being my main draw to residents from other areas," admits Stallis. People come here to buy used cars from stereotypical used car salesmen, and then they get those cars serviced by one of my many auto shops, and then they stop to get a drink at one of my many bars, and then they go home." 7. They don't believe in themselves enough. "You know what, I used to believe. This was a city founded on the belief that every factory worker could live in his own home with nice built-ins and even stained-glass windows on a 45 x 120 lot, near parks and schools. It's the people who don't believe in that model anymore. They want half-acre lots and houses with usable basements and no glass on the sidewalks. If that's what it's come to, I don't want to believe!" West Allis has said it will continue to be a city until a suitable replacement is named. It plans to become a senior-living community in Florida when that occurs.
Thursday, February 23, 2017 8786
High schools in Wisconsin have been able to retain their Native American mascots under the rule of Scott Walker, but Menomonee Falls has decided to go ahead and change the high school mascot without any nudging from the state. While it might first appear that the school is keeping the same mascot, it is, in fact, changing from a Native American Indian to an Indian from India in order to honor an upsurge in students of Asian Indian descent. Principal Dr. Jim Coach said at a press conference, “We never had many actual American Indian students in Menomonee Falls for us to honor with the mascot name or to dress up as Chief Wampum. This move will give us more access to students to be honored by the mascot, since roughly 2% of our student body of 1500 are Indians from India, and that means at least ten kids. Maybe twenty.” Dr. Coach added, "It's pretty simple: we're going from American Indian to Indian American. Citizens of Menomonee Falls have been disappointed for years that their mascot was not able to marginalize a greater percentage of the local minority population. However, with an influx of families from India making their homes in Waukesha County, residents of the Falls have welcomed the opportunity to ridicule the group. Important citizen Janelle Whitefolk said, “It wasn’t fun when Native American Indians got upset, since we couldn’t tell them to go back to their own country if they didn’t like it. I did tell them to head back to the Rez, which was clever, but it will be so much better when we can tell people to head back to India with other illegals.” The school made the decision partially because so many uniforms already have the name “Indians” written on them, so nothing will have to change. The large F with a feather will be replaced with a jewel-encrusted Indian Elephant that will represent both the Indians and the strong Republican ideology in Menomonee Falls. The mascot at games will be a convenience store clerk named Ranbir (the brave warrior), hopefully played by an actual Indian (Asian or American). The school board also hopes to acquire a sacred cow from a local farm, and the school has decided to name the cow “Darshit,” which means “To pay respect.” “I can imagine,” said Coach, “when we’re on the football field, moving the ball against Marquette, and the crowd starts screaming, ‘Dar-shit, Dar-shit!’ And the Bollywood halftime shows!” When asked for comment, local American Indian elders crossed their arms and rolled their eyes, presumably in a cultural expression of approval.

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