Men feel good around Sarah PalinGovernor Sarah Palin’s visit to the United Nations sparked a lively debate after she left, with leaders discussing how they would handle her as an elected official. While the mainstream media portrays Palin as a stupid hockey mom flirt, UN officials saw her as a woman with the potential to make lasting relationships with other countries.

Vladimir Putin, who stopped in to see his Alaskan neighbor, began the discussion when he asked to be recognized by General Assembly President Miguel D’Escoto. “Mr. President,” he said, “I just want say for record that I like give Mrs. Palin Gulag treatment.” With Putin’s sometimes strange behavior and ties to the KGB, Ambassador T. Vance McMahan of the United States asked Putin for clarification. Putin responded with, “Ah, Gulag is reverse Russian Ballerina position. Both stand, but Ballerina from behind and Gulag from front. Pretty face, I go from front.” The room remained silent for a number of minutes while translators scrambled to make sense of the statement and move past the embarrassment.

French President Nicolas Sarkozy, also at the initial meeting of the 63rd General Assembly, finally broke the silence. “I would not kick her out of bed for eating chocolate mousse… Is that not right, Chocolate Moose?” he said as he talked in the general direction of his midsection. Mild laughter followed Sarkozy’s revelation, but Afghan President Hamid Karzai demanded to be heard next.

Said Karzai, “Let me say that I just sat down and talked with Mrs. Palin and she would make a fine addition to any government office. And I am willing to give her knee pads so she will not get rug burn on my hand-woven rugs. And for his trouble, I give her husband a yak.” The chamber erupted with laughter.

British delegate William Blake asked to be heard as well, and he began,” Let us not diminish in any way the accomplishments of women, I say. In general extracurricular or with Mrs. Palin in particular. She has weathered the Alaskan storms and many Idaho dorms. But in this debate expeditionary, my choice is… missionary.”

“I like zee leather. Und maybe bottle or American baseball bat. Too far? Ach, you UN babies. You sink the German always goes too far. Always spanking us. ‘Naughty Germans,’ you say. ‘naughty.’ OK, fine, I get her drunk and fall asleep on her like American pretty-boys do to our sweet Munich girls during Octoberfest.”

His Excellency Archbishop Celestino Migliore, permanent UN observer of the Holy See, tried to quell the debate. “You know not what you say, my children. You speak not of love but of other things. You speak not of relationships but of bondage. You’d  really be best to get her by the custom of beasts. Aruuuh!”

The locker room-style banter continued for some time, but eventually (like watching dirty movies with your friends or demonizing President Bush for going to war for no purpose), the whole thing got kind of old, and everyone went home to search for pictures of Palin online.

Thursday, February 23, 2017 7839
High schools in Wisconsin have been able to retain their Native American mascots under the rule of Scott Walker, but Menomonee Falls has decided to go ahead and change the high school mascot without any nudging from the state. While it might first appear that the school is keeping the same mascot, it is, in fact, changing from a Native American Indian to an Indian from India in order to honor an upsurge in students of Asian Indian descent. Principal Dr. Jim Coach said at a press conference, “We never had many actual American Indian students in Menomonee Falls for us to honor with the mascot name or to dress up as Chief Wampum. This move will give us more access to students to be honored by the mascot, since roughly 2% of our student body of 1500 are Indians from India, and that means at least ten kids. Maybe twenty.” Dr. Coach added, "It's pretty simple: we're going from American Indian to Indian American. Citizens of Menomonee Falls have been disappointed for years that their mascot was not able to marginalize a greater percentage of the local minority population. However, with an influx of families from India making their homes in Waukesha County, residents of the Falls have welcomed the opportunity to ridicule the group. Important citizen Janelle Whitefolk said, “It wasn’t fun when Native American Indians got upset, since we couldn’t tell them to go back to their own country if they didn’t like it. I did tell them to head back to the Rez, which was clever, but it will be so much better when we can tell people to head back to India with other illegals.” The school made the decision partially because so many uniforms already have the name “Indians” written on them, so nothing will have to change. The large F with a feather will be replaced with a jewel-encrusted Indian Elephant that will represent both the Indians and the strong Republican ideology in Menomonee Falls. The mascot at games will be a convenience store clerk named Ranbir (the brave warrior), hopefully played by an actual Indian (Asian or American). The school board also hopes to acquire a sacred cow from a local farm, and the school has decided to name the cow “Darshit,” which means “To pay respect.” “I can imagine,” said Coach, “when we’re on the football field, moving the ball against Marquette, and the crowd starts screaming, ‘Dar-shit, Dar-shit!’ And the Bollywood halftime shows!” When asked for comment, local American Indian elders crossed their arms and rolled their eyes, presumably in a cultural expression of approval.
Wednesday, July 25, 2007 37955
Art Critiques by Rainbow Meadows A man from Pewaukee was arrested April 4th for his new performance art exhibit at the Milwaukee Art Museum. Art critics have said that the form of performance art, known as artisto destructo and utilized by such well-known artists as John Cage and Yoko Ono, is little more than someone who is not artistic interacting with art. The piece at the Milwaukee Art Museum, however, involved a man called “Pewaukee Man” ripping down "The Triumph of David" by Ottavio Vannini and putting his foot through the painting, valued at $300,000. Pewaukee Man’s work, entitled “David and Goliath’s Goliath” was no mere angry tirade, but a work of performance art that may turn the art world upside down.

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