This article first appeared in 2001

 

The American Regional Meat Packing Industry Traders (ARMPIT), under pressure from PETA, has decided to completely change its practices of killing animals. The move comes as a surprise, though leaders in the industry are taking it in stride.

 

“What we’ve been doing to animals over the years is just plain horrible,” admitted Pat Cudahy, CEO of Wisconsin’s largest packing plant. “Could you imagine if it was your poor little doggy that was getting killed by a rectal electrocution? Or maybe your grandmother?”

When asked how American’s would be able to buy the average 30 pounds of beef they eat each year, Cudahy suggested that the populace learn to hunt. “Personally, I’ll be foraging for nuts and berries on my 200 acre estate. I have become a vegetarian, and I think the rest of the country should do so as well. 

All packing plants will be converted to old-age homes for cattle and other animals to live out their years. “Sort of like a zoo,” suggests Cudahy. “We can ride over the plant in my helicopter in a bit.” When asked about the lost jobs, Pat suggested that employees “find something else to kill.”

 

Friday, August 31, 2007 14467
A student reported that a laundry basket holding a 12-inch fan, electric cords and other items with a total value of $50 was stolen Aug. 22 the day after he moved into O'Donnell Hall. Yes, folks, a fan.
Wednesday, July 25, 2007 5430
Saddam Hussein has finally paid for his crimes against our government and way of life with his recent execution. Hussein also deserved to die for crimes against his own people, the people of Iraq, whom we hold so very dear. Yes, free Iraqi people everywhere, we stand with you in your desire to destroy your tyrannical overlord, who caused you much pain, death, and destruction. Americans everywhere can rejoice that a known supporter of corrupt government leaders is finally dead, and so can the Iraqis who were free to convict Saddam for being an evil-doer.

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