“Wild” Bill Nielson, president of the Eau Claire Common Council, has issued a decree to all residents of the city. The short but poignant message reads “Love Thy Neighbor,” and it has been accepted with jubilation by the masses.

 

“I hadn’t really though of it before, but it makes all kinds of sense,” said Ty LaPlant, who lives in Horan Hall. “It would really be nice if my neighbors weren’t all guys.” 

Ty’s sentiments were echoed all across this fine metropolis, as dozens of citizens began loving their neighbors immediately. 

“I never used to like that one guy who showed up for class smelling like beer, but he’s OK now,” admitted Mandy Less. “He’s my neighbor, sorta.”

Local church officials refused to be interviewed, claiming that the secular “Love Thy Neighbor” decree doesn’t interest them.

 

Sunday, July 22, 2007 15536
The Milwaukee Bucks, in the hopes of drawing more fans, are in the process of acquiring a team that may not be able to compete on the court, but certainly will entertain people. The team will begin trading for players that are considered to be freaks of nature, or at least of basketball. Their recent acquisition of 5’5’’ Earl Boykins is the first in a string of trades that will create what is known as a theme-team. Just as the Harlem Globetrotters train mediocre players to dribble basketballs off referees’ heads and throw buckets of water on unsuspecting fans, the Milwaukee Bucks will also create a buzz when they travel through the NBA as they build their record book roster. While some may call them the freaks of the league, the Bucks front office is simply referring to the new team as team representing all of society. “The players will represent the dreams and sometimes nightmares of fans worldwide, and we will create an interesting brand of basketball for a city that is used to embracing all walks of life,” was the official word from the organization.
Thursday, September 11, 2014 11147
To be honest, that meteorologist on Channel 13 is kind of fat. She does know all about sleet, snow, hail, rain, and that kind of stuff. All things being equal, however, I’d rather see a real sexy lady offering up the kind of data that makes me hot, or cold, depending on the front.

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