Plans for new schools will be adopted all over the nation in response to President Trump’s suggestion that they be more secure. The new schools will ensure that students are able to learn without fear of being targeted by fellow students with assault rifles. These schools will be able to protect students in an environment conducive to learning. However, the added security will come at a cost.

 

Fort Trump High School

Old schools will be retrofitted and new schools will be built to the following specifications:

The Keep--This is where the school office will be located. It’s the tallest and strongest tower. Armed guards will have a view in all directions from here. If all else fails, all students can retreat to the keep.

The Moat--Water surrounding the school in order to make sure only authorized personnel are allowed in or out.

The Towers--Each school should have at least four towers, but these should be rounded so that invading gunmen can’t knock them down by the foundation. These towers will provide an excellent vantage point for archers. As a side note, archery will be taught as a gym class as an important life skill and as a way to man the towers with students.

The Gatehouse--A single, fortified entryway will be designed into every school. The drawbridge will be lowered at the beginning of the school day and up until the start of classes, at which point the structure will be sealed for the day.

The Barbican--This passageway will lead to the gatehouse, but any gunmen trapped in here can be doused with boiling oil or other traps.

The Great Hall--This is where all of the learning will occur. Most schools will divide this space into classrooms, but confining all students in one central location helps to keep them safer, since the hall will have several armed law enforcement officers.

 

Weaponry

It’s recommended that the modern American high school be armed in a way that can thwart an assault by any deranged individual with a military-grade assault equipment. This includes miniguns, Katanas, black powder cannons, crossbows, grenade launchers, nunchucks, spearguns, chain whips, and AR-15s. All legal for perpetrators. Therefore, the armed guards stationed at each tower, including the Keep, the gatehouse, and throughout the Great Hall. Conversely, well-trained teachers like John Kelly could staff the guard posts during their prep periods. All guns for schools can be purchased through reputable gun dealers associated with the NRA.

 

The building boom will result in trillions of dollars for new fortress schools, as well as millions of dollars in new gun purchases, fully capable of jumpstarting the economy. As an added bonus, some schools will serve dual purpose as prisons, local armories, and neighborhood fortresses for protection against terrorist attacks.

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Jacksonville News

New Jax Witty

Articles, reviews, advice, and legitimate research to go along with some back-handed comments. Think of us as Jacksonville's mother-in-law.
  • Jacksonville's Two Civil War Burnings

    At some point, most of us who live in Jacksonville learn about the fire of 1901 that destroyed most of the city. That's why I was surprised to learn of two other fires in the city's past, both during the Civil War. Neither fire was as destructive property-wise, but I think the argument could be made that both of these fires were more destructive to relationships between locals that extended to the rest of the country. These fires were burnings rather than an accidental fire like in 1901.
  • Polar Blue Skies?
    What are polar blue skies? 

    I saw the term used on the First Coast News Weather Channel. When I asked Google, she said she didn't know how to help with that, so I just searched the term "polar blue skies" myself on Google. The top results were from old First Coast News posts about the weather. So is it a Jax thing or a local meteorologist thing? Or a real thing that most weather people ignore?
  • Jax Local Ad of the Week: Milano's for Valentine's Day

    Local ads can be fun because they are not always as polished as national ad campaigns. This is the first in a series that will take a look at some local ads from mailer magazines.

    My wife enjoys Milano's, and we have used the restaurant's promotions in the past. And if it wasn't for a pandemic, we might have done the Valentine's Day Special, even with it being presented in this somewhat odd ad.
  • Culver's Arlington Location (UN)Explained


    Evan Clagnaz is a lot like me. He's from Wisconsin. He wants a Culver's in the Arlington area of Jacksonville. He trusts other people. He has a few million dollars to invest in a restaurant. Etc. 

    OK, fine, at 36 I didn't quite have $4+ million to invest. Or at 46. Maybe at 56 (fingers crossed), but by then, all the Culver's restaurants will have been built in Jax, and I'll have missed my chance to own one. Except for maybe one that fails because it’s been built in the wrong location.

  • The Best Gyros in Jacksonville
    I wish this article was about the best gyros in Jacksonville. My family loves us some gyros, having learned about the awesomeness from Milwaukee staples like Oakland Gyros and Golden Gyros. We tried gyros when we lived in Kansas City, but almost every restaurant there mixed beef and lamb (at best) and fell a bit short. In Jacksonville, we've tried a few places, but we have yet to really find the best gyros in Jacksonville, so if your restaurant wants me to find out if you qualify, then contact me. We're good for several visits per year once we find you, but I'd suggest a discount or coupon to entice me from the start.
  • Siteground Officially Not Best Hosting Provider
    Let's say you have an idea to build a website, or maybe you want to build a website farm in order to funnel people to your pyramid or ponzi scheme. It used to be that if you wanted to use Joomla to build the websites involved in your business venture, you'd choose Siteground. It was a level above the other hosts for both services offered and customer service. Plus, it offered special tools dedicated to helping those who preferred Joomla to Wordpress. 
  • Open Season on White People?
    Here's the start of a post from NextDoor that was a little frightening: 

    I just had a man attempt to run me over
  • Jacksonville Community Services Directory on Gloo
    I was working on adding some functionality to a church website I built when I looked into the company that sent the code I was using. One of the options for church websites is to embed a community services map. I was going to embed an iframe of that map here, but it seems that it's more difficult than other iframes to generate. However, I'll provide a link so that you can check to see if your church or non-profit is listed with the directory

    I am sure there are other websites out there that actually provide links to your organization, but if a lot of churches use this Gloo program, it's worth adding your listing, as well. I think it's supposed to function as a way for church members to find places to volunteer and maybe volunteer organizations to find churches that are engaged in the community, so it makes sense to claim your listing, since it seems to be free.

    What's nice is the ability to search based on type of organization and then type of services offered. For example, you could search for "Church" and "Online Sermons" in order to get these results, albeit without links to the online sermons. It's very similar to a system I set up for my church about a decade ago for its 100 or so ministries so that people could search based on interest, except that was for a single church rather than a map of an entire country. And I had more categories, which would be nice on the map...it only includes very basic church services. Like my own creation, I assume this resource is underutilized. However, now your church or organization doesn't have the excuse that you didn't know it existed. 

    Yes, you can pay $8,000 (PER YEAR!) for an online marketing firm to show you pretty presentations, create a ho-hum app, and sell you free online tools (Wordpress/Google Analytics/Email Newsletters) for a steep cost, or you can list your organization in ways like this, use Google and other free tools, and have a good freelance web designer make a website to which YOU add real content that brings in real traffic looking for a real church. 

    This website has about 500 posts and averages 9,000 REAL reads a month, but it's all because of those 500 articles. I don't have an app, unless someone wants to add this site to their home screen (feel free). I don't email anyone. I don't market because I write. Some of my best articles don't even show up on Google anymore because they are no longer deemed relevant, while other articles get Top 10 rock star status. If your church offers addiction counseling, an article about your service might not get any hits because of all the other counseling services, but if you also write articles about how you deliver groceries to members and recycle batteries and make masks for frontline workers, one of those articles might inspire someone to watch a service or visit your church. And if you can link related articles to each other, that also helps. Even if it only inspires people to get involved at another church, your article got hits and results. Most people who find your church are not going to immediately download your app and sign up for newsletters. 

    Based on church websites I've built, this website generates about 10 times the traffic of a typical church website that doesn't publish new content. Those churches would benefit from listing with Gloo, but they would benefit more from posting articles. They might be able to fake it a little with SEO and targeted marketing, but the long-term results may not be useful if there's never any new content. Apps don't create content. Neither do great keywords. If you want people to discover the community services at your church, write about them, even if it's a single article about care packs for immigrants from 2015. That said, I'm sure most churches will continue to send email blasts and run tired capital campaigns with no website evidence as to why someone would want to join or give. 


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    Thanks for reading. See more of my content:

    Satisfamily - Articles about being happy as a family
    Passive Ninja - Web Design in Jacksonville
    McNewsy - Creative Writing
    Educabana - Educational Resources
    Brave New Church - Church Website Design
    Voucher School - Pros and Cons of School Vouchers
    Luthernet - Web Design for Lutheran Churches
    Sitcom Life Lessons - What we've learned from sitcoms
    Mancrush Fanclub - Why not?
    Epic Folktale - Stories of the unknown
    Wild West Allis - Every story ever told about one place
    Educabana on Teachers Pay Teachers (mostly ELA lessons)
    Real Wisconsin News - Satire from Wisconsin
    Zoo Interchange Milwaukee - Community website
    Chromebook Covers - Reviews and opinions

    Brian Jaeger - Resume (I'm always interested)

    Contact Me
  • Fellows and Residents Searching for Rental Properties

    If you have a fellowship or residency, you're going to be looking for a home in a new city, probably in a new state. You can rely on the rental or home websites or hire a realtor, but it also helps to have some insight from someone who has lived in the area for a long time. I qualify as that person in the Milwaukee and Jacksonville areas, so if you have a placement at the Medical College of Wisconsin, Mayo Florida, or UF, you might want to contactme. Especially for MCW and Mayo. 


  • If You're Going to Get Guy Food, Be Ready For Anything
    A local woman was emotional and upset during a news interview after a man pointed a gun at her in a Hardee's drive thru down on Baymeadows. Personally, I don't like guns, but I do have to admit that if you're going to get your food at a guy restaurant in Jacksonville, you should be ready for anything and nothing should surprise you.

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