Suspected Sallie Mae FounderFor the past several years, SLM Corporation, better known by its flowery fresh moniker Sallie Mae, has been the subject of increasing negativism. Anti-capitalist Chinese red commi sympathizers, from our very own sea to shining sea, have made complaints about sweet Sallie being less than nice in her lending practices. As a result, whiny sniveling college student mush brains and recent college graduates feeling sorry for themselves because they have to get a job have taken their accusations to the street.

Said Tom Miniore, a recent UW-Milwaukee graduate, after another night of getting snubbed on Brady Street commented, “Ohhhhh, that Sallie Mae is a mean bitch!”

This PRO-capitalist, PRO-American media mind thinks that Sallie is one of the sweetest most consumer friendly corporate citizens to ever grace our sacred land. She stands right next to the misunderstood Enron, labor friend Walmart, enviromentalist company Exxon and altruistic Halliburton in the pantheon of great American companies. Shameless self-motivated puppets of the far-left pro-education movement accuse Sallie Mae of all sorts of preposterous malfeasances and even outright fraud. Constantly complaining about lost and not received paperwork. Then griping about fines and fees imposed when the not received paperwork isn’t processed. Sallie points out that the problems lie with the U.S. Post Office, malfunctioning fax machines and email servers. She also reiterates that the fees could have been avoided if the forms and paperwork has just been in on time. Another complaint falls in the realm of the completely absurd. Loan takers suggest that Sallie’s unwillingness to work with borrowers is due to a conflict of interest. They imply that since Sallie has entered the collections business her actions have become more predatory. That’s silly talk. Sallie has maintained the same level of predation for years. She’s just now found more effective methods of revenue generation. When you consider that interest is all Sallie wants how could she be accused of a confict of interest. Poor, poor Sallie, I weep for you.

Many people also have the gall to point out that the “one consolidation and one consolidation only rule” has been very unfair to borrowers who have been unable to take advantage of falling interest rates. They imply that Sallie uses her multi-million dollar lobby to harm citizens in order to preserve a rule that would in any other circumstances be illegal under consumer protection laws. They cry that HR-2505, which would allow borrowers to refinance at prevailing lower interest rates, somehow keeps failing to reach the votes necessary in the Congress to relieve some of the pressure on their young lives. Folks, take it up with your Senator, Sallie is just a company. Companies don’t run the United States.

Ingrate hippies also point to some sort of irony now that Sallie offers mortgage refinancing yet still refuses to re-consolidate already consolidated federally insured student loans. Frankly, I fail to see their point. Why on earth would Sallie Mae refinance a federally insured loan to a better interest rate, when she can have people collateralize the loan with their houses at a higher interest rate when they run out of forbearance? It’s just common business sense people. Through it all, our dear Sallie Mae has not wavered. This bastion of American capitalism has gallantly stood up to the criticism by continuing to pursue her altruistic business strategy of giving young adults all the tools of leveraging their future earnings at above market interest rates. So though some so-called ethicists question Sallie’s methods, who can dispute this fact? And really, why do “ethicists” exist, anyhow? Think about it, the market will dictate ethics, just as it dictates foreign and domestic policy.Sallie Mae now administers more than a $140 billion in student loan debt. Debt that is necessary to promote the common good of our great nation.

Friday, February 08, 2008 34139
America is buzzing about the new diet sensation long thought to be only an eating disorder: Pica. The diet allows people to eat anything they want, as long as the food is made up of non-nutritive substances. As an added bonus, the food is inexpensive and commonly found around the house. Dr. Karen Gregory, founder of the diet, claims anyone can lose unwanted pounds by simply ingesting a multitude of substances they cannot digest. Of course, some real food is required, and the Pica Brand, Inc. is selling snack bars to fulfill that particular need. Pica as an actual eating disorder causes people to inexplicably eat such items as soil, chalk, paper, and coal, as well as food ingredients, like flour. “It’s easier than cooking, anyhow,” said one woman, who lost fifty pounds during Phase I of the diet. “I’m a teacher, so whenever I got that hungry feeling, I’d just reach for some chalk. Sometimes I’d even mix things up a bit and eat the colored chalk. It doesn’t taste any different, but I can imagine it’s fruit or candy.” While danger exists for children suffering from Pica who eat lead paint, nails, or other dangerous non-nutritive substances, adults are generally more intelligent, and can choose what they eat with more discretion. “While someone suffering from Pica might decide to eat feces or drink urine, we do not recommend those for this diet,” said Gregory. “And, honestly, the body can handle only so many metal objects, so we tend to recommend items that are not completely socially unacceptable or dangerous. Wood, ice, or hair are better alternatives. These items are all-natural, and will not add an ounce of fat to your body!” Some in the food industry are crying foul over the new diet, saying people will suffer unknown problems as a result. However, a large percentage of the food industry also uses high fructose corn syrup in the food it markets, and that particular ingredient is widely seen as not only non-nutritive, but also as non-satisfying. While a person eating tree bark or shoe leather feels somewhat satisfied after a meal, someone eating (often fat-free) items filled with high fructose corn syrup will never feel full. Gregory said, “People become obese because corn syrup can’t fill them up. No matter how strange it may seem, dirt fills you up.” Unfortunately for the people who use the Pica diet, like most other diets, the menu tastes horrible. Therefore, people will likely wean themselves off of lead-free paint chips and fried starch, and go back to potato chips and fried chicken. Gregory suggests testing to see if an individual is ready for the Pica Diet, so go ahead and eat that TPS report sitting in front of you. if you can keep it down, you may just have found the replacement for that before-lunch candy bar.
Friday, November 23, 2007 5517
After a week watching the Disney classic, Bambi, a Wauwatosa man had enough. Gun Deer season was upon Wisconsin and this Wauwatosa man made it his quest to never watch the movie, Bambi, again. As a family tradition, dating all the way back to 2005, Bob "Mickey" Reinhardt set out for opening day. At 10:20am opening morning a medium sized doe walked out from behind the trees and WHAM, down it went. “T’was a clean breast shot, eh. Right through da left shoulder, lung and out da liver. I was up in dat tree up der hunting in da norf woods. Da important thing is now my son can see dat Bambi’s dead.”

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