A chemical that causes cancer in California (PCB) is responsible for the closing of numerous Milwaukee area playing fields, most of which are used by active adults as precursors to drinking and possible relations with the opposite sex. Because of the closings, local ath-elites may need to find new ways to sneak away from their families or have a legitimate reason to drink excessively.

Local Ath-elites Compete in Grueling Kick-the-ball Match

The fields that have been closed include many of the MPS playing fields, as well as fields at other parks that used the sewerage-based fertilizer to help green-up the grass. Some of the county-run parks are safe because they haven't seen fertilzer for six years, but many of the fields where local ath-elites spend their evenings and weekends are all but useless because the levels of PCBs exceed the national allowable amounts, and nobody wants to catch PCB disease.

Some leagues are still scheduling games and hope to play on playgrounds or in backyards. "I paid $35 to play kickball this summer, and there's no way anyone's gonna take that away from me," said Matthew, a devout kickball player. Others who play kickball and softball have echoed this response, often noting that this is the only opportunity all week for the players to escape their mundane lives with their families, and go run around a field before sitting in a bar.

Active ImageWhile players are encouraged to call their coaches to find out if games or after-drinking have been cacelled, no doubt the fighting spirit of Milwaukeeans will help to fix the problem. One bar patron, visibly upset that his co-ed softball game was cancelled, said, "I'll drink a whole case of PCB water, just to prove it's serfectly pafe, just like this booze!" Hopefully the situation can be resolved before bored ath-elites take to drinking contests and their own sausage races around neighborhoods.

Thursday, August 21, 2008 26290
Quick, name five lemurs who have played professional sports! Stumped? Well you are not alone. Lemurs have a long history in professional sports (Pete Sampras, for example), but many see them as inferior to their more human counterparts. This is why lemurs across the globe are celebrating Ryan Braun as one of their own, even though he’s only half lemur. The Lemur Anti-Defamation and Existence League has mounted a media frenzy over Ryan Braun because of his success as an athlete and his heritage as a prosimian. Though Braun’s father is human, his mother’s status as a lemur is enough to allow lemurs to feel a bond with him. However, Real Wisconsin News has also learned that Ryan did not grow up honoring his lemur heritage, and some hard-line lemur groups have disowned him as a hero for the masses. Zoboomafoo, spokesman for Lemurs R People 2, said, “Ryan Braun played baseball this year on Mother’s Day, which might not mean much to people, but lemurs are matriarchal, and Mother’s Day is considered our most important holiday. A true lemur would have been grooming his mother instead of going 2 for 4 with a couple of RBIs.” Though he does not talk about being a lemur, Braun has graciously allowed lemurs to be photographed with him, and even spoke at a mostly-lemur middle school in Madagascar, his mother’s homeland. The principal of the school said of Braun: “He is a true lemur to those of us who believe that even though we are generally ridiculed on the sports field, we can succeed to be more than sidekicks on television programs for comic relief. He also donated Milwaukee Brewers shirts to the entire student body, and that would cost me three years’ salary. Now all the children and lemurs can be clothed for years to come.” Braun takes the whole controversy in stride, claiming dual heritage, and not aligning himself with any one group. “It’s part of who I am,” he says. Of course, Braun is not the first athlete with dual heritage who has played for a Milwaukee team. Tyrone Hill is 1/8 vampire bat. Sam Cassell is 1/2 cricket
Sunday, February 25, 2018 12835
Plans for new schools will be adopted all over the nation in response to President Trump’s suggestion that they be more secure. The new schools will ensure that students are able to learn without fear of being targeted by fellow students with assault rifles. These schools will be able to protect students in an environment conducive to learning. However, the added security will come at a cost. Fort Trump High School Old schools will be retrofitted and new schools will be built to the following specifications: The Keep--This is where the school office will be located. It’s the tallest and strongest tower. Armed guards will have a view in all directions from here. If all else fails, all students can retreat to the keep. The Moat--Water surrounding the school in order to make sure only authorized personnel are allowed in or out. The Towers--Each school should have at least four towers, but these should be rounded so that invading gunmen can’t knock them down by the foundation. These towers will provide an excellent vantage point for archers. As a side note, archery will be taught as a gym class as an important life skill and as a way to man the towers with students. The Gatehouse--A single, fortified entryway will be designed into every school. The drawbridge will be lowered at the beginning of the school day and up until the start of classes, at which point the structure will be sealed for the day. The Barbican--This passageway will lead to the gatehouse, but any gunmen trapped in here can be doused with boiling oil or other traps. The Great Hall--This is where all of the learning will occur. Most schools will divide this space into classrooms, but confining all students in one central location helps to keep them safer, since the hall will have several armed law enforcement officers. Weaponry It’s recommended that the modern American high school be armed in a way that can thwart an assault by any deranged individual with a military-grade assault equipment. This includes miniguns, Katanas, black powder cannons, crossbows, grenade launchers, nunchucks, spearguns, chain whips, and AR-15s. All legal for perpetrators. Therefore, the armed guards stationed at each tower, including the Keep, the gatehouse, and throughout the Great Hall. Conversely, well-trained teachers like John Kelly could staff the guard posts during their prep periods. All guns for schools can be purchased through reputable gun dealers associated with the NRA. The building boom will result in trillions of dollars for new fortress schools, as well as millions of dollars in new gun purchases, fully capable of jumpstarting the economy. As an added bonus, some schools will serve dual purpose as prisons, local armories, and neighborhood fortresses for protection against terrorist attacks.

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