Email Kinda Confusing After Night at State Fair; Tone Seems Desperate

  

What the heck are you trying to tell me, Tommy? I got this email after a long night at State Fair, and I’m just not sure what I’m supposed ta do. I want my favorite governor to become the next president, but you hafta make it easier than this, especially since most of your supporters are taking in country music shows at the fair this week. Let’s just take a look at the email and figure it out:

“If you're a SOTT (Supporter of Tommy Thompson), then this is probably the most important email you have ever received from his campaign.” Besides the goofy SOTT thing, I can grasp this part.   “Without your help and support this week, Tommy Thompson's campaign cannot go on.” I’ll do what I can, big guy. “Tommy Thompson has made it clear that if he doesn't finish first or second this week in Ames, Iowa at the straw poll, he will not go on in this race.” Wait, my contribution can’t make that insanity happen without some kind of Children of the Corn type of occurrence there. Really, T, first or second? How about a distant fifth? And then you can drink a fifth of something tasty and plan ahead for the next election. You're good, but just not that good.  “To date he has outworked every other candidate running for president in Iowa.  His ideas on ending the war in Iraq, fixing America's ailing health care system and finding a cure for cancer are being heard, but not by enough people.” So why not? How frickin big is Iowa anyhow? Wasn’t that the goal, just to win Iowa, and hope everyone else just followed its lead, like in fashion and other important national decisions, when we all apparently pay attention to what Iowa thinks first. Yeah, Iowa. So it's sort of the complaining about having a big ass portion of the booty call. No, Tommy, I don't think you have a big ass. I think you look just fine the way you are, but you just have to convince the peeps in Iowa.  

“What's worse, is that the news media will shut him out of the national news coverage unless he finishes first or second this Saturday in Ames.” What’s worse than what, the fact that he is himself giving up if he does not finish one or two? Why in the world would the coverage continue if he drops out of the race? Wait, maybe this is just a blind attack on the media, in which case I agree whole-heartedly. It's like in the booty call when she says those magazines make her feel inadequate... all you gotsta do is say something nice, and it's boom chicky wow wow time.

 “We need your help in two ways:

1)       If you live in Iowa and have an Iowa driver's license, please come to Ames and take 30 minutes to vote. That's it. It's an historic opportunity to make a real difference for our country.  Email This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. to reserve your complimentary ticket or call our campaign office at 515-422-5100.” Guess I’m just wondering what ticket I’m getting if I vote… airline, party, museum admission?

2)       “Please purchase a commemorative "In the Arena" print on canvas and 80% of the revenue will go to Tommy Thompson's Presidential campaign.” Huh? This is getting kinda weird now, Tommy. You can give me stuff to vote for you, but I ain’t buying some velvet painting to support you.

“This is an amazing offer and for only $50 + shipping, you can have an art print of the United States Capitol with Teddy Roosevelt's famous quote on it. Even better, the print comes on museum quality canvas with archival giclee inks that are warranted to last for more than one hundred years.  As you can see, this is a beautiful print that's worth having in any home.  But more important, 80% of your contribution goes to the Tommy Thompson Presidential Campaign. "

"Just click here to go to a secure, encrypted Web page to use your credit card to purchase this beautiful collector print.” So, let me get this straight: Tommy’s giving up if he doesn’t win this weekend, but he wants me to buy his  $50 + shipping art print on actual canvas with some ink that will last 100 years in order to support his campaign, even though he’s giving up (whether he blames the media or not)? I might live another 50 years, and the hell if I want to be reminded of his failed campaign for even that long! It's like the booty call when she asks you if you'd marry her!

   Wow, that’s some quote from Roosevelt, and honestly, one piece of crap little art print. 

“’It's not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done better.  The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again... who at the best knows in the end the triumphs of high achievement and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat.’President Theodore Roosevelt
Paris, France
1905”

Too bad Tommy hasn’t thought of anything that deep on his own. But that’s OK, because Bush hasn’t yet, either.  By the way, why was our president even in France in 1905?  

“Thank you,
Steve Grubbs National Campaign DirectorTommy Thompson for President  

P.S. If you would like to make a contribution directly to the campaign, click here.” Please feel free to contribute all you want to Tommy’s bid for president, but it's sorta like paying for an abortion with a girl who made a booty call to you. I was stoked at first, but this last email just confused me. Does Tommy want me creating fake Iowa IDs and lining up with my friends to vote? Does Tommy want me to boycott the liberal media? Does Tommy want me to actually buy that stupid poster? He never really tells me how I should help to fix the results or anything, and that’s simply disappointing coming from Tommy, though I'd say the overall tone is about that of an ex-girlfriend who just got dumped by some geek and drank four large margaritas before calling. That's my Tommy!

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Jacksonville News

New Jax Witty

Articles, reviews, advice, and legitimate research to go along with some back-handed comments. Think of us as Jacksonville's mother-in-law.
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    Most other gas stations - $20
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    Walgreens - $22
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    For the amount of cooking you'll get out of your propane, it's probably worth the $15-$22 you'll spend on fuel. It might not be a good deal to heat your house in the winter or to run your dual-fuel generator after a hurricane, but it's not bad for outdoor cooking. If you live in East Arlington, try the BP station on Monument. If you know of a low price in another area of town, let me know, and I'll add it to the list.


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    "Why aren't YOU wearing a mask?" This answer might not always work, but this white girl was sitting next to her Blasian/Whack/Blaxican friend. I only mention the other girl's race because it led me to assume they were not siblings (and combining race names is an interesting use of language, and two friends out for a drive during a pandemic should both be wearing masks. If Kaitlyn goes and infects her grandma with Type-2 Diabetes because she got a virus from an asymptomatic friend, then Kaitlyn will feel guilty. I met a guy who said he brought Covid-19 home to his dad and his dad died. While the guy I met did not seem to blame himself (and that's probably the best response), I couldn't help but feel like I would have blamed myself. Anyone who refuses to wear a simple mask and then carries a deadly virus to a loved one should feel guilty. I'd feel guilty even if the virus got through my mask. Yes, you should feel guilty if you show up to school or a nursing home with the flu, but Covid-19 is marginally worse than the flu, AND it's been covered by the media enough to remind you. 

    "I don't want to smell all the BS from people like you." This response is taking it more political. I hear a lot of people who say Covid-19 is overhyped or fake. I assume that people who are going to bother to call me out for wearing a mask (while not wearing a mask next to a non-family member) do not believe in pandemics, masks, or science. 

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    "I'm a real American." Just reverse psychology here. Most people who think masks are wrong somehow see them as an afront to patriotism, but nothing is more patriotic than sacrificing for the good of your country.

    Don't read the following comeback unless you are over 17 or are being supervised by an adult:
    "Because your / your mom's ________ -_________ed __________ ________ of _________ _________'s __________  that has been used to __________ various _______ stars, _________, and models/wives (who are also basically ____________s) , and your boyfriend/dad has _________ from ______ing too much of _________'s _________, and the only reason your ________ist boyfriend/dad votes for the ____________ is because he wants the government to force __________ to not have __________ but then not force him to wear masks for basically the same reason, and he also probably would rather be ____________ing a super porn whore model star wife than you/your mom. And he wants to be rich, but he won't be through any ability of his own, just like his favorite president." If people want to make simple, proven science into another political debate and say that I am somehow weak for wearing a mask because a self-professed germaphobe and completely amoral president calls the pandemic names instead of encouraging the use of common sense, then I can be just as nasty as anyone, and I don't need a gun or red trucker hat to back me up. And those of you who support Trump don't need his permission to make a decision that might save a loved-one's life. You are the epitomy of stupid Americans and are embarrassing the rest of us, and while being a stupid American is usually just synonymous with being wasteful, this time you are saying your personal freedom to be a stupid American is more important than preserving the lives of millions of older fellow stupid Americans who mostly vote for the same stupid people as you. Play along, at least until we decide whether or not a vaccine is going to happen. If a vaccine doesn't seem like it's possible, feel free to abandon the masks and give your grandma and favorite hooker one last hug.



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